I write this article in a state of abject shame; truly, I type these words feeling dejected, inept, and riddled with a guilt I’ve been carrying within myself for far too long. You see, as a man, I have not done my part to uphold gender equality. I have lived my life in such a way as I believed morally correct, never really listening to what feminists had to say. But today, for the millionth time, I was told that feminism is a movement that just means gender equality. And today, for the first time…it finally clicked.
Feminists are right. We do need gender equality. And that is why I say as one man to any other man who may happen to stumble upon this: it’s time we stood together and fought for gender equality. It’s time we made a feminist difference.
To begin with, we need to stop these sexist, misogynistic, and anti gender equality activists like the Mary Sue, Salon, and the entire Gawker network who seem, for some reason, intent on enforcing paid maternity leave on employers. These woman-hating anti-feminists are actually suggesting that we should have unequal rights: that we allow women to live under a separate set of laws based on nothing but their gender. The nerve! It’s wrong to treat people differently because of their gender.
You see, I have heard the feminist message, and I am here to say that we must change. We must stop accepting that men and women are fundamentally different in some aspects here or there, and we must impose feminist gender equality. I therefore propose that we seek to shut down all government-funded, women’s-only universities, clamp down on women’s history month, and put an end to college grants for single mothers. I propose we repeal the violence against women act, slice away mandated off-time for new mothers, and yes, we rid ourselves of the sexist laws that recruit young men to the army in the event of a draft. We must place our women on the frontlines in combat, whether they have children at home or otherwise.
Sorry, kids, mommy isn’t coming home either—she’s too busy being equal.
I’ve finally awakened and realized that gender equality is a good thing: we need gender equality. It’s time we stood up, looked our female counterparts in the eyes, and in a chorus of loud, melodious voices, we shouted, “You are exactly the same as me in every single way! There are no differences between us!”
Indeed, several such male feminists have already begun leading the way, such as world-famous feminist and women’s rights activist Ray Rice, who after being struck by his woman, channeled the energy of equality into his closed fist, and then with it delivered to her a patriarchy-smashing right hook. It was not just a regular punch. It was a feminist punch. It was the fist of equality and the power of mutual respect.
Previously, I would have thought it wrong to hit a woman. But really, should we discriminate against women on the basis of their gender? Feminists have made it clear to us that such discrimination is wrong, and that they are only interested in gender equality. And as a man who believes in treating women with respect and dignity, I now understand that the best way to show a woman respect is to jump in the air, spin around in a one-eighty-degree arc while simultaneously lifting your right leg, and then delivering a flying spin-kick into the chin of a woman who disrespects you—just like you’d do to any man.
It’s time we stopped oppressing women. It’s time we started treating them like we’d treat a man, ignoring their gender. If a woman hits you, there is a chance you might not hit her back. But if so, ask yourself: is it because she’s a woman? Are you discriminating against her on nothing more than the basis of her gender! Don’t. You must be like Guile from Street Fighter.
Here is a proper example of a man showing how much he respects a woman. Note the feminist way in which Guile demonstrates his views on gender equality and ending sexism.
Together, we can take down the patriarchy. It begins with you and me.
*Update*: If you’re too stupid to see this is satire, we feel sorry for you.