Dear Mr. Talarico:
Seems like only yesterday we had a Senate election in Texas. Now we’ve got another one. For whatever reason, Texas holds its primary elections early, so I started seeing your yard signs in April, more than six months before election day. Frankly, in this house we abhor all yard signs, but that is a topic for another day. In Texas, one might as well complain about the heat in the summer.
I do admire the simplicity of your message, however. “Talarico for Texas,” black print on a white background. Some of my friends opine that “Talarico for Massachusetts” would be more appropriate, which may be true, but it lacks alliteration.
In the three months or so since your signs started popping up, I’ve learned more about you. I think you’d be the first to admit you didn’t have much of a statewide profile before you secured the nomination. Now I know you have been a member of the Texas House of Representatives since 2018 and you currently represent the 50th Texas Congressional District which covers a good portion of Austin. Now that the “getting to know you” phase is over, I have some advice for you.
I have noticed that your lack of a wife has been remarked about by your political opponents. The Texas Constitution states that one must be 30 years old to run for governor. If you were 30, your lack of a spouse might not arouse a lot of suspicion. After all, JFK didn’t get married till he was 36. Of course, before that he wasn’t exactly a monk. You, however, are 37 years old and, by all accounts, hardly a player. I realize that the lack of a significant other should have no bearing on your ability to represent the State of Texas in the U.S. Senate. Many voters, however, will feel otherwise.
I saw that you or your handlers decided to introduce a girlfriend into the mix. Supposedly, she is your former chief of staff, which makes it look like she’s taking one for the team. Consequently, her enlistment has not allayed all the rumors swirling about your sex life or lack of same.
Frankly, I don’t know what turns you on. Even so, I have a bit of advice for you. It’s simple: Come out of the closet – even if you are a regular heterosexual guy. Let me explain.
There was a time when homosexuals running for public office had to keep it under wraps. Nowadays, however, it’s not that unusual for a member of a legislative body or a cabinet, or the occupant of a governor’s mansion to be an out-and-out homosexual. A mature bachelor, however, is still a rarity in politics. The late Lindsey Graham was one and rumors persisted throughout his tenure in the Senate.
Now there are any number of reasons why a man might choose to remain single. Unfortunately, as the percentage of single men has grown in society, its acceptability has not grown in proportion, either in society or politics. A lot of women voters might look at your youthful, clean-cut image (your nickname “Opie” is appropriate) and see you as the son they wish they had…dutiful, attentive, sensitive. One man might see you as lacking in testosterone (I understand “Low T Talarico” has gained currency among your political foes); another might see you dating his daughter and abhor your politics but breathe a sign of relief…no tattoos, no piercings, no drugs. She could do worse.
If you are low T, consider yourself blessed. A strong sex drive causes a man to dissipate his energies and squander time, energy, and money. Sad to say, most men don’t realize that until they are older and their testosterone levels have plummeted. So you have avoided stepping on a lot of land mines.
Your background as a seminarian is a double-edged sword. With some people, it’s a plus, with others a negative. Some see you as a man of God, others as a sissified mama’s boy. Of course, it is possible to be both simultaneously. Also, you could be a preacher and a rake at the same time. Given the overwhelming majority of females in churches, a preacher man has plenty of opportunities for dalliances – and there is the occasional femme fatale hankering to defile a man of the cloth.
Most women, however, would look at a man of God (Catholic priests excluded) at age 37 and assume that the lack of a wife indicates a failure to engage with the marriage sacrament. There are any number of reasons why a man, whether of God or mammon, wouldn’t want to make a commitment to a woman, but women don’t see it that way. The way they look at it, you haven’t knuckled under. You have not donned the yoke. You’re not one of those MGTOWs, are you?
As I said, the best rejoinder is to simply come out of the closet. Of all the reasons for explaining one’s bachelorhood, the most politically acceptable is homosexuality. All you have to do is say, “I’m gay” and everyone will just nod and say, “Oh, OK, whatever.” There’s nothing wrong with that. No one will ever bother you again about your lack of a spouse. In fact, adjectives like “stunning,” “amazing,” and “brave” might be attached to your campaign.
Of course, the danger of this is that one day you might want to tie the knot with a woman. How to explain that? Maybe say you were hetero-curious and much to your surprise, you found a female life partner. Or you can announce you are bisexual. Again, the response will be, “Oh, OK, whatever.” There’s nothing wrong with that either. Again, no one will complain.
In today’s topsy-turvy world, almost anything is preferable to being a single heterosexual male. If you were a heterosexual female, you could pull it off – you know, you don’t need no man. But if you are a single man who don’t need no woman…well, women voters in Texas won’t cotton to such a man, and in 2024, 6,037,000 of them voted compared to just 5,404,000 men. Also, keep in mind that there are some male voters who don’t trust a bachelor. They look at it as failure to “man up.”
I wish I could tell you that you could just go ahead and campaign as a confirmed bachelor. Unfortunately, as we say in Texas, that dog won’t hunt. Tell Texas voters you haven’t found the right girl. Or you’re too picky. Or you don’t want to settle for anything less than a devout spouse. After all, being a seminarian, you must have found it hard to find a decent Christian woman, what with all those stoners, sluts, floozies, and hussies in Austin.
When faced with the question, “Are you seeing anyone?” you might attempt to make light of your situation by explaining you’re still sowing your wild oats. Given your personality, that is guaranteed to garner chuckles and defuse the situation so you can move on to the issues of the day.
Granted, if you are elected, attending social functions stag in Washington would be awkward. You might seek out someone on Lindsey Graham’s staff for advice on how he dealt with that. On the other hand, I’m sure there is a discreet D.C. escort service that will be more than happy to supply you with a hottie to hang on our arm. Just be sure you don’t commingle your campaign funds with your personal services funds. And if you ever happen to get caught in some sort of sex scandal, many male voters of Texas who had written you off might figure there’s hope for you yet.
One photo op you might consider is a visit to Boy’s Town in Nuevo Laredo. I’m going to assume you’ve never been there, but there was a time when any man running for office in Texas would have paid a visit or two or three there over the years. In fact, a road trip to Boy’s Town was a rite of passage for most Texas boys. Now I am not saying you should hire a hooker. Rather, you should go there and preach, attempting to save the souls of those poor misguided souls working in La Zona. Religious voters will think highly of your mission inside the belly of the beast. Most men, however, will see you went to Nuevo Laredo and assume you went there for the same reasons they did. There’s more to that boy than meets the eye, they’ll say.
Unfortunately, a pilgrimage to Boy’s Town has negative connotations in some quarters. Way back in 1990 we had a rancher named Clayton Williams who ran for governor. He boasted of having been not only to Boy’s Town but also the Chicken Ranch, the famous brothel storied in song (“LaGrange” by ZZ Top) and drama (The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas), and conveniently located midway between the University of Texas and the Texas A&M campuses. Williams, unfortunately, did not get elected and Texas got stuck with Ann Richards. Drat that 19th Amendment!
It’s a sad state of affairs but almost any status aside from being a never-married heterosexual male is acceptable today. If you are a straight man, I understand you might be reluctant to lie about being gay in order to get elected.
Hey, it’s not like you’d be the first politician who told a lie to win an election.
The featured image is of Palo Duro canyon, Texas. By Sefor4 – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link
