Sweden is the best country in the world. At least we who live here think so. At one time we were a superpower, but that is no longer the case. All we got to keep when the Russians kicked our asses 200 years ago was a piece of forestland and some mountains in the snow and ice hell near the Arctic Circle. But the superpower mentality of the inhabitants, they could not take from us. So I guess we fooled them after all.
In Absurdistan, we are equal. We are actually the world’s most equal country. Did you know that? Oh yes, here we are equal, all of us. Except politicians and bankers of course. They are worth more than the rest of us. But that is probably equal. At least they tell us that, so it must be true.
Yes, it is actually obvious when you think about it. If they could not be trusted they would hardly be worth more than the rest of us, would they? No, it is quite logical. Here in Absurdistan, we totally trust those who govern us. If someone does not agree with them, or, god forbid, even protests against them, we get angry. We, the people of Absurdistan, know that we must defend our authoroties against shameful attacks from dissident citizens. There is actually a word that we use to describe these stirrers here. We call them “justice-crashers,” just to taunt them. That is a word that is quite unique for our proud country.
Our king has a job guarantee
In Absurdistan we have a king. His name is Carl Gustav, and he is a fishy character. But what ellse can you expect? He is, after all, a man. It also has been in the newspapers and that is how we know it’s true. Did you know that he went to a strip club in Canada and looked at naked women during the olympics when he was young? Damn dirty old man. We do NOT like naked women here in Absurdistan. We think that is disgusting and ugly. Though quite a few say so, but watch anyway on the sly. That’s a bit hard to explain. It is called pornography, and we do NOT like that here, because we think it is degrading for women to show themselves naked. Not for men however, because they have a choice, women don´t.
But above all, we think it is insulting to a woman if anyone thinks she is beautiful to look at. Or in a worst case scenario, even get excited by it. Yikes! The men who are doing this we call “filth lobsters” unless they are over thirty, of course, because then they become “old men mucus.” Our king is thus an “old man mucus,” although he was younger than thirty when he did it… well it´s complicated. I guess you have to be as advanced in equality as we are here in Absurdistan to fully understand these things, and since noone is, well…
Unfortunately, we can not get rid of him since he he has a job guarantee. That doesn´t mean we can´t slander him though.
Nature is messing with us.
I said that we were equal here in Absurdistan? Yes, though not quite yet. There is in fact a major obstacle in our strive for gender equality, and it’s the damn biology.
Here in Absurdistan we do not like the fact there are two sexes, because then it becomes unfair … for women.
It goes without saying really. They are the weaker and more fragile sex the poor things. It sometimes feel completely hopeless to achive full equality as long as nature continues to screw with us this way.We are trying to solve this problem in different ways though. For example, by making it unfair for men we can make it equal. Therefore, we have, for example, introduced two different laws: One for males and one for females. The law on violence against women is great. It says that if you disturb a woman’s peace, you go to jail. Our prisons have become very crowded with men after we invented this law.
Women however, may interfere with a man’s peace however and whenever she damn well pleases. Is this not brilliant? Who said that gender equality must be about to making it better for people? It works just as well the other way around. If someone is not feeling well, everyone else should feel bad, too. That is equality.
Assange and the unused condom
Here in Absurdistan we naturally assume that a man is guilty. Because just face it. He is isn´t he?
But the law also sometimes creates problems in our struggle for equality. For the most part, we solve these problems by sentencing men for sex crimes behind closed doors. That way the judges and prosecutors are left alone to rule without having to have a bunch of people, or even worse, journalists, going on about evidence and stuff.
Actually we have invented an ingenious way to ensure that no offenders get off… well, suspected offenders then if want to be picky about words.
Here is how we do it. First, we state that the man is guilty, because he is. He has been since he was born. Then we take a little peek at the evidence and if there is something that seems to be exculpatory we twist it around a bit so that we can use it against the suspect. Is it not brilliant? In the cases where it is word against word, we have excellent judges who can determine who is lying and who is telling the truth. If, for example a woman cries during her testimony, it means she is telling the truth.
Take Julian Assange for example. He is man, that’s something we know for sure. Thus, he is guilty. If not of rape, then at least for something. If the broken condom that the poor little defenseless woman submitted as evidence, bears no DNA from either him or her, that does not mean he is innocent. Of course not! The poor ravaged woman, obviously in her upset state, must have saved the wrong broken condom for 15 days before handing it in as evidence. Do you see the logic? It´s brilliant, isn´t it?
That is roughly how we do it. We here in Absurdistan are very pissed off at Julian Assange because he did not come here and take his punishment like a man. Sitting whining about small details such as human rights and other gewgaw. That´s not very manly now is it?
He is obviously not supporting gender equality, Mr. Assange. We here in Absurdistan know exactly what gender equality is, because Gudrun Schyman and other feminists have carefully explained it to us. And she should know because she is an expert. Actually she has defined equal, so who could possibly explain it better than her? Here in Absurdistan, we are smart enough to understand these things, you see.
We teach our children early
Another way to counter that damn biology saboteur is another Absurdistansk invention that we are very proud of, namely gender science. Ahhh, just the word makes you shiver with pleasure.
Take this photograph for example. I found it on a webpage for “funny pictures” a while ago.
What is it exactly that is funny? Are there any of you who out there who can understand this? On the contrary, it shows exactly how our gender science have triumphed. We have discovered that if children are of kindergarten age, teach them that they really have no sex, and we become equal. We have trained lots of so-called gender educators and set up specific gender kindergartens so we can save the children from the delusion that there is a difference between boys and girls. In time we are planning to have these gender educators in every kindergaden in the whole country.
The differences between the sexes, which of course is just imagination … or something, we take out of the children by not letting the girls dress in pink, even though they want to. The boys, however, which certainly do not want to, have to anyway. That is how we create gender equality. We are also prohibiting free play for children because we have discovered that if we let the kids play freely, then the gender roles get cemented, and that is not good. The boys insist on wanting to play with cars and Lego, while girls want to play with dolls. And, of course, we cannot have that. If children are allowed to play freely, we will never be equal.
This is why gender educators sometimes have to step in and control what and how the children play; to prevent this cementation, so to speak. The children may protest a little at first, but they do not know what is best for them, only the gender educators know that.
Terrible enemies of equality – and thus women – have begun to appear on the web
We in Absurdistan have a very tight control on our media. Noone who does not fully support gender equality will be heard here. How would that look?
On the Internet, however, it happens more and more frequently that the enemies of equality shows their ugly faces. Then we get angry at them and tell them what disgusting pigs and misogynists they are. Like that Pär Ström, for example, or citizen X, not to mention the horrible Daddy. By the way, wasn´t he a pedophile? I seem to remember having read that on a equality forum somewhere. Then it is true, of course.
One would think that it would be sufficient to tell them what discusting male pigs they are, but they are like leeches. So sometimes we must resort to more serious ammo against these male-chauvinist reactionaries. There’s plenty you can do if you are a little creative. One can, for example, take their children away. It tends to silence them. Or you can fix so they get fired or have their dole money retracted. After all, they are not suitable as parents anyway.Think of the poor children. They can, for example, get the impression that it’s okay to be a girl, or worse still, a boy! We do not want such unequal individuals here in Absurdistan.
What if everyone thought like that? Then a whole generation of boys could actually grow up to be men! And not only that, they could quite possibly be proud of it too. Get it?! It would be the end of our lovely equality for which we have fought for all these years. All would be lost. We would return to a sexist Sodom and Gomorrah where men and women would involve themselves in all sorts of nasty stuff. Yuck! Love, they call it, good lord!
We are past hat kind of nonsense here in Absurdistan. Sure the occasional he and she are still trying to form families, but they have not understood anything. Not to worry, they will. What they do not yet understand is that it is hopeless. We do not like the traditional family here in Absurdistan. We have therefore arranged to make it impossible to balance work and home life while retaining a life together. Do you know that when we liberated women the middle of the 70’s, the number of divorces dramatically increased, and they are still increasing.This is of course a very good thing since a married woman can never be equal. The traditional family is a concentrationcamp for women.
It´s very disturbing however that more than half of the women surveyed said that they would still rather be at home taking care of their children than working. These women do not know what is good for them. They should be thankful that we who know about these things can tell them what´s best for them.
True Absurdistanian equality
Then there are other positive side-effects to the Absurdistanian equality as well, which depletes these odious love relationships. Look at this picture for example.
It’s a win win situation. It makes me all warm just thinking about it. However, there is a fiery little horrible party in parliament which seeks to uphold the traditional family. The Christian democrats of course. We do not like their kind here in Absurdistan. Extremists and reactionaries the lot of them. Yuck!No, here in Absurdistan, we are proud to be the world’s most equal country. But we are obviously not satisfied. You can always get a little further, and it annoys us greatly that Mother Nature persists in opposing us in our important quest. Just take all the filth she created under our clothes for example.
Fortunately, these disgusting body parts soon will be unnecessary because women will soon have the natural right to have children without a father involved. Then maybe the man finally can be eradicated, a freak of nature as he is. Then we finally will be completely equal.Dear lord what I am going on. Now I will go and make myself a cup of coffee and sit down and take a smoke on the porch in my loneliness. You see I have no woman living with me anymore to keep me company. All attempts have failed and my children went with their moms so I don´t see them very often either. Sure, it can feel strangely lonesome and empty at times, but why complain? I have the gouvernment watching over me and to raise my children for me so that they become equal, Just like me.
God bless our beloved Absurdistan. The most equal country in the world.