Young feminist, PhD candidate, and budding civil slavemaster Pamela Clark penned—or, rather, accumulated from others—35 ways for her male feminist sycophants to further check their privilege (debase themselves) for her pleasure. As it happens, I effusively agree with every fucking one of her edicts, except, of course, that my reasons for my agreement are based on the understanding that what women want, what women say they want, and what women respond to are usually completely different things.
Let’s slog through Mistress Pam’s whipping points (in boldface) to see how one can use fawnery to turn feminist demands into a living hell on Earth for those bossy, wannabe oligarchs like her.
Rules for Men:
1. Do 50% (or more) of housework. I agree—in fact, I do 100% of the housework because I absolutely refuse to live with a demanding, entitled, lazy woman like Mistress Pam. If you are a man who lives with a woman, you need to humiliate her with both her 77% paycheck (Mistress Pam’s claim) and her poor domestic skills. This will let her know that she is inferior if not obsolete relative to you, and that without you, she would be lost in a dangerous world. Oh, and make sure she does what little housework you leave her to your exacting standards—and yes, watching porn online should be an integral part of those standards.
2. Do 50% (or more) of emotional support work in your intimate relationships and friendships. Although Pamela’s feminism supposedly teaches that women are strong and independent grown-up adults, Pamela herself believes that women are frail, delicate flowers who fall apart without the ongoing and overwhelming support of the emotional tampons she calls feminist “men.” I completely agree—men can support “equality” by dominating women emotionally as well as professionally, domestically, and physically. While some feminists might call this “misogyny,” Mistress Pam prefers “hunky.”
3. Consume cultural products produced by women. Again, I completely agree—Spanx for Men looks awesome! As soon as women start building cars; generating electricity; running water systems; drilling for oil; growing crops; slaughtering cows, pigs, and chickens; designing airplanes and cellphones and home appliances, etc., I will consider becoming a shameless bootlicker and buying those cultural products, but only if no men are involved in their production because giving credit to the men who build and maintain civilization is a part of the icky patriarchy.
4. Give women space. I absolutely agree—too many women seem to expect the men around them to rush to their aid if they, like, get caught in an undertow while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, or get attacked on the street, or get drunk, pass out, and almost drown in their own vomit. I used to save the lives of women like that— four times, in my real lived experience, I put myself at risk to save them—but no more. I was too blinded by my male privilege to realize that saving women’s lives is oppressive and patriarchal to them. Now, if I see a lone woman getting sucked under the tide or passed out on the street at night, I scamper the other way so that I can reasonably claim I had no idea she was in danger.
5. … but insert yourself into spaces where you can use your maleness to interrupt sexism. Yes, I agree with this one completely too—for example, whenever I see a woman striking a man, I demand she stop using her female privilege to hit men who are culturally forbidden to hit back. What kind of monster hits someone she knows won’t hit back? Likewise, when women get default child custody in a divorce, I use my male logic and reason to point out that this is sexism, pure and simple, and that shared equal custody should be the default if our goal is equality.
6. When a woman tells you something is sexist, believe her. I absolutely do believe she thinks that, just as when a man says something is sexist, I believe he means that too. That’s equality, right? For example, when a woman claims that abortion laws are sexist, I agree, because men get no say in the abortion decision but are on the hook for 18 years of child support if the child is not aborted. That’s wrong—men should have the option to renounce fatherhood legally, just as women can renounce motherhood through both abortion and safe haven laws.
7. Educate yourself about sexual consent and make sure there is clear, unambiguous communication of consent in all your sexual relationships. Oh, hell, yes! Since most insurance payouts for campus sexual assault are made to falsely accused men rather than women claiming assault (the graph on the right side of page 2 of this link), it behooves men to understand that resisting crazed women making lying claims of rape is far more lucrative overall than, say, not resisting it or taking a plea bargain. Use your phone to record her consent, and text her the day after to show you had proof of ongoing consent both before and after the act.
8. Be responsible for contraception. Completely agree—consent to sexual intercourse is NOT consent to fatherhood, and no woman deserves 18 years of child-support payments for a single sex act. Wear a condom and dispose of it where she can’t get to it. Bonus points if you can add hot sauce to it before she has a chance to inseminate herself against your wishes.
9. Get the HPV vaccine. If you are a man, I definitely agree. There are a lot of sexually aggressive women looking for baby-daddies out there, and a condom might not protect you from HPV, especially when she forces you to perform cunnilingus on her or simply demands that you kiss her feminist ass even more. If you are a woman, of course, you should avoid taking precautions like vaccination because precautions are victim-blaming. Instead, you should teach men to teach viruses not to attack women.
10. Have progressive “name” politics. I definitely agree—if you are so obsequious and stupid that marriage to a woman sounds right for you, be sure to make your kowtowing complete and take HER last name as yours. That way, the last vestige of your manhood will be stripped away from you and she will dump your unmanly self sooner rather than later, meaning that you can go back to the blissful life without women as soon as possible. Nothing says “unromantic loser” to women more clearly than “Guess what, future wife, I’m going to take YOUR last name!”
11. If you have children, be an equal parent. Absolutely agree—especially in divorce, demand equal custody and join the effort to strip away the laws that assume women make better parents than men, even though feminists support those laws.
12. Pay attention to and challenge informal instances of gender role enforcement. Agreed—for example, if you are at a family function or dinner party where women are showing off their cooking skills, bring a superior dish to the party that illustrates that men are excellent chefs too.
13. Be mindful of implicit and explicit gendered power differentials in your intimate/domestic relationships with women. Indeed, agreed—note that women tend to avoid direct power (for which they can be held accountable for their poor decisions) in favor of indirect power, violence by proxy, and subtle influences that are less accountable. Examples of this abound, but my favorite one is the excitement and glee of bystander women when two men are in a fistfight—men they encouraged to fight—a position that is reified by the misandric culture of cheerleading, formalized by feminists as “enthusiastic consent.”
14. Make sure that honesty and respect guide your romantic and sexual relationships with women. Agreed—flaky, dishonest, and/or disrespectful women need to be dumped suddenly and completely, with no further contact or acknowledgement. The cleaner the break, the faster the recovery.
15. Don’t be an online bystander in the face of sexism. Agreed—especially since feminists heavily moderate or close comments to their blogs. Join websites like A Voice for Men so you can challenge feminists (as I am doing in this article) who make, say, or post sexist things on the Internet, especially on social media.
16. Be responsible with money in domestic/romantic relationships. Agreed—women seek wealthy men they can harvest for their resources, so take whatever steps you can to hide funds and build a war-chest for when her hypergamy kicks in and she tries to rape your wallet through breakup/divorce. There is a reason the vast majority of the homeless are men, and the reason is that feminists don’t care about poor guys except to sing “Cry Me a River” when they die.
17. Be responsible for your own health. Agreed—feminists only care about men’s health when illness might impair that man’s earning potential as a slave to her whims. But you are more than a slave to some crazy master, so act like it, and take care of yourself for YOU, not her.
18. Don’t ogle or make comments about women. Agreed—women crave male attention, and the less you notice them, the more alluring you appear to women, as well as the more you undermine their self-esteem.
19. Pay attention to the gender of experts and key figures presenting information to you in the media. Agreed—although knowledge, experience, trustworthiness, and insight are important, always remember that the male hormone testosterone is truth serum, and that some key figures may have insufficient levels of this vital hormone, particularly so if they are feminists.
20. Ensure that some of your heroes and role models are women. Absolutely agreed—Karen Straughan, Alison Tieman, Janet Bloomfield, Erin Pizzey—these are just a few of the many, many heroic women in the men’s human rights movement who stand up for men against feminist hate every day.
21. Praise the virtues and accomplishments of women in your life to others. I just did that in Step 20, so yes, agreed, and I do that every day.
22. Have integrity with your male friends. Agreed—there is nothing shameful inherent to men or male sexuality, and telling my male friends that they don’t need some crazy woman’s approval to be valuable is a daily mission for me.
23. Don’t treat your spouse like a “nag.” Agreed—nags are annoying and it is better to dump them than to put up with their ongoing lack of respect for men’s rights and autonomy.
24. Know that acknowledging your own sexist opinions and stereotypes you hold is not enough. Agreed—you have to call out the feminists who use them to try to shame and control you like a slave, and teach men to resist feminist lies.
25. Befriend females. Agreed—if you must deal with “females,” female dogs can make great companions, and female cats can make excellent pets as well. Female humans, usually called “women,” on the other hand, are too resistant to domestication these days and should be given a lot of space (per Step 4 above). If you are forced to deal with them on a close, regular basis, keeping feminists in the “friend zone” is one method of fending off or delaying a false rape accusation.
26. Find female mentors/leaders. (i.e., Be subordinate to females.) Despite their general poor reputations among feminists, mothers, as long as they eschew feminism, can make excellent mentors and leaders of young male children and adults.
27. When in a romantic relationship, be responsible for events and special dates associated with your side of the family. Agreed—wives can be very jealous of your relationship with your parents and siblings, so don’t let your wife interfere with your other family relations.
28. Don’t police women’s appearance. Agreed—a woman with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, or spinach/lipstick in her teeth, or a rip or other flaw in her clothing should be allowed to continue to embarrass herself in front of more people than just you. Humiliation can be hilarious if handled properly by not protecting her from it.
29. Offer to accompany female friends if they have to walk home alone at night… Agreed—offer to do it, then flake out and say, “Oops, gotta go,” so that feminists can experience the same flaky behavior they display to men. Remember, feminists are strong and independent, and they hate it when you try to be the “Ultimate Gentleman.” It seems as creepy to them as “Ladies’ Night” in a sports bar.
30. Inject feminism into your daily conversations with other men. Agreed—men need to know that feminism is a crock of shit and that you can stand up to feminist lies and still be in favor of equality—REAL equality that doesn’t involve the sexist chivalry that feminists seem intent to demand and preserve.
31. If you have a tendency to behave inappropriately toward women when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, do not consume drugs or alcohol. Agreed—even the most ingratiating men have to get extremely drunk to consider having sex with a feminist, but that will just leave you open to a false rape claim that she will concoct during her hungover walk of shame the next day. Better to be sober, feminist-free, and, hence, jail-free.
32. Be aware of the physical and emotional space you occupy, and don’t take up more space than you need. Agreed—feminists need a lot of space, and the hirsute ones most unpleasantly so. Best avoid them completely.
33. Walk the walk about income inequality. Agreed—study the so-called 77% pay-gap lies carefully, as even some feminists are starting to do, and destroy this lie whenever idiots like Mistress Pam are dumb enough to repeat The Gender Wage Gap Lie.
34. Get in the habit of treating your maleness as an unearned privilege that you have to actively work to cede rather than femaleness being an unearned disadvantage that women have to work to overcome. Agreed—it is silly to suggest that women can grow through facing adversity; only men can do that. Feminism has taught me that the only way for women to advance is for groveling men to give women the “free” stuff that men have earned and women have not. If all this free stuff demanded by feminists makes women feel useless and unworthy of their accomplishments, well, who cares? Vagina! VAGINA!
35. Self-identify as a feminist. Speak about feminism as a natural, normal, uncontentious belief because it should be. Don’t hedge and use terms like “humanist” or “feminist ally” that reinforce the idea that the F-word itself is a scary word. Agreed—and since I also agree with every other point on this insanely stupid list, then I MUST be subservient to feminism, right? Right?