Pavement wars

What I’m seeing on the pavements of our towns and cities is disturbing and cannot be ignored anymore. I am speaking of belligerent foot traffic on our pavements.

This phenomenon is somewhat concerning in its nature because it tells me, it tells us all, that basic manners and courtesy are being eroded and replaced with a total disregard for anyone else. This disregard is quite unsettling if it’s to be considered a glimpse of what we are to look forwards to in the future.

This article will be looking at this phenomenon and is divided into sections for closer analysis. It reflects what I and others have experienced firsthand on our pavements.

The Shield Wall:

Identified by:

A group of women or girls occupying the full width of the pavement striding towards you.


The Shield Wall’s occupants tend to be sublimated to the lowest animalistic denominator of a small crowd. More times than not the average blood alcohol reading of its occupants is inversely proportionate to their manners and good temper.

Rules of engagement:

Negotiating this one can be a tricky affair and mental alertness is of benefit. The primary option is to assess the pathway on the opposite side of the road and if clear one is to cross to that side for ease of passage.

If this is not possible, then the secondary option is to be employed; the formation of ramming stance and then employment of ramming speed centered at the weakest link of The Shield Wall. This maneuver is known as ‘The Pavement Spear’ or TPS.”

A personal testament:

Brendon of London says, “I find the Shield Wall move to be particularly lacking in any thought or appreciation for other peoples movement and personal space. On one occasion as I walked along the pavement I could see a group of rowdy, semi drunken women out on the town. I could see the potential of this situation getting ugly so I chose to cross the road for clear advancement. Well…you would not believe what happened next as I couldn’t believe it myself.”

“Two from the group of women despite their drunken state noticed my avoidance tactics and breaking from their group deliberately crossed the road blocking my path once again. Walking arm in arm they headed straight for me. They proceeded to stay on course knowing full well that their chosen formation of “The Shield Wall” gave me very little room at all to avoid colliding with them.”

“This belligerence fuelled my decision to adopt “The Pavement Spear”. As I closed in on the women at ramming speed they continued indecently giving me no room to pass. Consequently, TPS was duly executed breaking their linked arms. This was met with much muttering followed by drunken cackles. Incredibly, I’d gone out of my way in the first place to avoid such an altercation?”

Brendon went on to say, “If it wasn’t for TPS I’d be done like a nuked dinner. I definitely recommend it’s usage where required.”

The Chariot Formation:

Identified by:

Two or three women with baby strollers walking side by side occupying the full width of the pavement striding towards you.


“The Chariot Formation” is the most disregarding and aggressive formation pitted against the unwitting pedestrian. The women indulging in The Chariot Formation are oblivious to anyone’s need for passing space. These creatures are to be seen on our streets more and more, and The Chariot Formation is particularly despicable because it shows absolutely no thought for anyone else other than for those within its formation.

Rules of engagement:

There is but one option when encountering The Chariot Formation and that is to employ “The Castle Wall.” TCW is a primarily defensive posture whereby the opponent is to hold tightly with muscular rigidity in order to mitigate against oncoming vehicular collision, i.e. The possibility of chariot burns on the ankles.

A personal testament:

Adrian of Manchester says, “The drivers of The Chariot Formation show no common sense or decency in any of the situations I’ve personally witnessed or been involved with. This one is tricky to negotiate without confrontation. Bearing in mind the majority of cases I’ve been involved in usually end up as an exchange of expletives because I haven’t been prepared to walk into the road for their royal convenience. TCW has saved me on more occasions I can recall.”

He went on to say “On one occasion I was returning home on foot when I noticed two women in the distance grouped in the Chariot Formation. The pavement was particularly narrow so I decided to make my position known early on by walking close to the wall. I’m done with the chivalrous road side.

He continued, “[a]s I approached the women I observed they had noticed me but they carried on relentlessly. It was obvious that they had no intention of making space, and this was when I decided to employ the stance of TCW with my coming to a complete halt – standing my ground. I had no intention of swerving onto the road for anyone and quite frankly, leaving a little passing room is just basic manners. Well, seeing that I wasn’t going anywhere soon they just stopped right in front of me, didn’t they?”


“There we were, the three of us standing eye to eye upon which I simply asked them, “Where would you like me to go…would you like me to levitate perhaps?”

Remarkably, she was quite embarrassed by my question and proceeded to flush a delicate shade of ruby and made a vague apology. This was a rare occasion because most of the time I have been met by very hostile language and total a disregard for anyone else other than themselves.

The Flank Attack:

Identified by:

When a woman either pushing a chariot or simply walking alone, crosses to your side of the street when her side is perfectly clear.


The Flank Attack is not as common as the Chariot Formation, but is by its sheer bad manners one for which to always be vigilantly scoured. Wearing an iPod or other device that impairs the detection of scuffling feet to the side is to be avoided at all costs, and angular adjusted mirrors affixed to tailored eye-wear should be considered for the auditory challenged.

Rules of engagement:

When faced with the Flank Attack there is but one card to play. Assuming collision is imminent, no adjusted posture will mitigate against impending damage and the “Tarmac Turbo” is to be employed. The T.T. is best administered after ingestion of caffeine for the necessitation of the innocent party to speed up immensely in a short burst to avoid collision.

A personal testament:

Nathan, from Land’s End, Cornwall says, ”The flank attack really pisses me off in a big way. I have trouble comprehending what’s going through their minds with this one. There I am minding my own business and enjoying the crisp autumn air and relishing the fact that I don’t have to do a slalom course on an empty pavement in front of me, when all of a sudden out of nowhere someone is heading straight for the space directly in front of me. If I don’t check my walking pace there’s going to be a collision of some sort.

Nathan went on to say, “What is it with these women or girls that do this? It has me lost for words every time. I’ve looked across at the other side of the street to see them on the pavement with nobody in their path, yet they decide to cross the road in order to “head me off at the pass,” you might say.

I nearly lose it when I’m minding my own business and some brainless halfwit makes a grab at the space right in front of me nearly knocking me over. The space behind me isn’t good enough for her, oh no, she has to be the leader as such.

He concluded, “I’ve actually experienced a woman with her chariot administer the T.T. maneuver against me in order to secure the spot directly ahead of me. What’s with this bullshit? I’m starting to think that modern women and girls aren’t the shy, retiring and delicate wall flowers the media and legislators would have us believe.”

One On One combat:

Identified by:

An oncoming party directly in front of you adjusts their course of perambulation with the sole intention of inducing a collision or eventful encounter. Changing your intended course to avoid an impending collision elicits an immediate response of the oncoming party whereby their line of travel is aligned once again with yours.


Stepping onto the road, levitating, or ducking into an alley or open doorway of a shop is not to be considered as this will deliver a message of accommodation to the belligerent party. Accommodation of this order will foster future encounters of a similar nature with the belligerent party and their associates.

Rules of engagement:

The “Pedestrian Ruse Of Distraction,” or PROD, is best administered. The PROD is best described as the innocent party feigning interest in something to one side whilst maintaining current momentum and direction of travel. This has a two pronged effect. Primarily it delivers the message that the innocent party has missed the cue to step aside and secondly that the innocent party does not give a rat’s crap if a collision does indeed occur. When The PROD is delivered the belligerent party will immediately self-instigate a behavior change by correcting their course in order to produce an uneventful encounter.

A personal testament:

Hamish from Fife in Scotland says, “Now this one is frustrating and amusing at the same time. When I notice a woman in the distance heading towards me I chose a position on the pavement so as to avoid collision. She forces me to dance the ‘pavement tango’ with her.”

He went on to explain, “The oncoming woman adjusts her course for a collision with me no matter what I do. I go one way and like a reflection in a mirror she does the same. It’s a mystery why this happens, and it begs the question: What’s going through her grey cells at that moment?” It almost seems that the simple law of physics doesn’t register with her and this bizarre perambulating tango must ensue.”

“To this end”, Hamish continued, “I always use the PROD method. It works every time and I make damned sure I feign interest in something on the other side of the street leaving Tango Woman with the job of ensuring a collision is avoided. Sometimes it’s been a last second swerve on her behalf, but they always get the message that you’re not compromising your position on the pavement. I use the PROD to let them know that they have to watch where the fuck they are going and like all of us is better to stick to a path that doesn’t involve a head-on.

So what are we to make of this, and what does it mean for the rest of us? Well I can’t say for sure, but I’ll bet you our parents saw only some of this and their parents none at all. Younger generations have seen a decline in “Time Served” traditional values, replaced with unorthodox practices that are used to reprogram the very foundation on which we once existed in harmony without corruptive government intervention.

Like a gathering cloud of Affinitas Toxicus that’s arrived in on a quiet breeze, I’m putting to you that feminism along with all its calculated hoopla and it’s aerobics has our once lovely women adulated and preened as princesses on a socially manufactured pedestal, a pedestal that’s long overdue for demolition.

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