Lotta Goo has made the rounds in the man-o-sphere and heard the clamoring and cries for goo! So that is just what you get! Goo! More Goo for the beleaguered, weary divorced fathers.
You see, I have noticed that we have forgotten something of extreme importance when we deal with the trauma of divorce. We forgot love support. Remember when you were first married? Remember how you either implicitly or explicitly promised to provide for the family with your hard earned cash? Yes, I bet you do, and the judges in family court remembered that too and now you are stuck with a complicated and often unfair system of child support where your money is taken and spent by your ex without any accountability whatsoever.
Well, please think back to when you made that initial promise. Did your wife make a similar implicit or explicit promise to you that she would love you? Was not a part of that promise of love to also make sure your sexual needs were satisfied? I think so! How could we forget her part? In order to make up for this glaring omission I am going to offer her love support guidelines in hopes that the man will be loved at least until the children are 18 or over.
Developing these guidelines has not been easy. As you know the sexual habits of men are varied so we had to use estimates to come up with an average for the sexual frequency of an average man in an average marriage. Lotta Goo has known a number of marriages that have sex more than once daily. Their usual and customary activities are a bit more than the other extreme where men prefer to have sex once a week or so.
I figure we should simply add those two and divide by two for the average! So let’s say 10 times a week versus once a week totals to 11. Divide that by two and you get my favorite number of 5.5. We can round that off and say that the average man has sex about five times a week. Since you are no longer married we should cut that down a bit, just like child support is cut down a bit, and just use three times a week as your ex’s standard maintenance obligation.
So in order for your ex to fulfill her marital love obligations as you fulfill yours through child support money, she needs to provide love support.
Like child support we need to have standards. I have graciously lowered the average per week expectation to three times. The love support needs to be arranged based on both schedules but if for any reason it is not fulfilled your ex will be getting a visit form the love support enforcement squad. These folks are nobody’s sweethearts and won’t hear any of her excuses. No sir. She will go straight to jail. Once she defaults on her love support her picture will be placed on milk cartons and pizza boxes to show she is a “loveless mom” who is depriving her ex husband of his needed loving. So from the day you get divorced it will be put up or locked up for her.
Please keep in mind, though, that the love support is not just for you! It is really for the children! If a mom is loveless and a dad left wanting that has a huge impact on the kids. Huge. And folks we know it is all about the CHILDREN. Come on you moms! You can help your kids by making sure you comply with your love support visitations. Make it a threesome with dual blow jobs and you can give your children enough happiness to last all summer!!
I also know that for some men being married to her for a long time has had the net effect of making your John Thomas want to shrink up and hide at the thought of her naked. In that case we have the younger sister provision. Should you react to the sight of your ex as though you were given an I.V. overdose of saltpeter, then you could elect to take her younger sister in trade. And if she doesn’t have a younger sister we will fall back to “that friend of hers you always wanted to fuck,” clause of the new legislation.
Remember guys, Lotta Goo thinks of YOU; which is why we anticipate and overcome her resistance from the start.
Many ex’s have complained that three times a week is simply too much of a burden that they want their love support reduced. Well, here is your rescue Goo.
I have come up with a way that might please both the women and the men. And I have included it in compromise legislation that is now being considered. Here is a sneak preview to what you will find: The standard is set for intercourse three times a week. However, your ex may be able to reduce this slightly by taking certain steps. I have developed a table that makes it easy to understand these new love support guidelines.
Basically we have put a number value on a variety of sex acts. Your ex needs to reach a total of 300 points each week but we have offered some handy dandy ways for her to not have to actually have sex three times. Straight intercourse is worth 100. She can earn 40 points by giving you a 30 minute back rub, 30 points for a 30 minute foot rub, and 20 for dancing nude (point value varies depending on appearance).
Oral sex comes in at 130 points. I know some of you will not like that but remember there are some women who can’t stand giving a good bj and so their men will delight and gladly give up that extra 30 points. All varieties of sex acts have been rated with “that position she would never try” going for 320 and Ménage à trois where she brings a young attractive woman for the threesome carrying a whopping 650 points! Just think ladies, that is more than two weeks of love support for a single session! Great deal!
I have also added some non-sexual paths for those points. Your ex can earn 10 points for apologizing for a previous mistake. She can earn 30 points for admitting that she was the root cause of the marital discord and 60 points for admitting to her false allegations. These numbers can double if the admissions are sent to all family email contacts. (these are one time point values and cannot be repeated)
That is all for now, but remember, Lotta Goo is working for you!
Lotta Goo is a professional streetwalker from Washington, D.C.. She was a former board member of The Good Men Project Magazine, but abruptly left when she “suddenly got tired of all those pussy whipped little boys.” Her favorite hobbies are writing, the Sex Workers Union and masturbating to the image of Amanda Hess. She lists her gender as “negotiable.”