Trigger Warning: If you have below average intelligence, if you are an emotional reasoner, if you think holding a woman accountable for her behavior is a form of domestic violence, and/or if you are a radical feminist, please be advised that this is a work of satire. And, no, satire does not have anything to do with Satan or satanic cults and the sexual abuse of children.
With all the hullaballoo over the SPLC 2011 “Intelligence” Report on emerging hate groups, we failed to notice that one of the most nefarious men’s groups was omitted from the report: Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, the purveyors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. It boggles the mind how someone who calls himself Manboobz, the SPLC’s very own Deep Throat, could have made such a glaring oversight. [1]
The Evidence
Ben and Jerry’s is an emerging hate group. I know this is true because I read a comment on the Internet about men who like ice cream. Here’s the smoking gun:
You like ice cream? Well, ice cream is dairy. Dairy comes from a cow. Cows are female bovine. Female bovine put a lot of work into making the blessed milk* for their children. Then what do YOU do, you patriarchal pig? You not only take the milk not intended for your species, you mix it with eggs, salt, and ice. A total perversion of it’s original form, for your own patriarchal pleasure, you misogynistic consumer you!
THAT, is misogyny writ large! [2]
Ice cream makes women fat. Fat is a feminist issue. [3] Sure many MRMs will argue that ice cream doesn’t make women fat; that some women make the choice to over-indulge in ice cream without a commensurate amount of physical exercise to counter their caloric intake, but they are wrong. It has been proven that women are not responsible for their choices. Ever.
The FBI’s newly broadened definition of rape makes it clear that women are not responsible for the choices they make. [4] Ergo, ice cream makes women fat against their will. It is nonconsensual fat.
Ben and Jerry’s is one of the most successful ice cream brands worldwide and is run by two men; Ben and Jerry. Therefore, Ben and Jerry are agents of the patriarchy; a two-man, anti-women hate group. As previously noted, ice cream comes from milk. Milk comes from female cows, as opposed to male bulls. Milk is the sacred life force of the Divine Feminine. Ben and Jerry are men who are stealing the sacred life force of the Divine Feminine for personal profit and the oppression of women by making them fat.
It cannot be stated enough that Ben and Jerry are both men. If they cared about the plight of women and women’s long history of oppression, they would rename their organization Beth and Jerry or Ben and Jenny or Beth and Jenny. Ben and Jerry are clearly representatives of the business as usual Old Boy’s Club. They are stopping women from breaking through the dairy ceiling.
The first letters of Ben’s and Jerry’s names are B and J. BJ is the abbreviation for blowjob. A blowjob is a degrading sexual act that is perpetrated on 15 out of 10 women every 3 seconds for the sole purpose of a man’s pleasure as found by the Random Statistics Generator ™ from the Outtamyass Institute of Femtechnology. Therefore, Ben and Jerry are supporters of oral sex rape.
Need further evidence? Ben and Jerry plan to unveil a new flavor next month; Dominique Strauss-Cone.
Ben and Jerry have no fashion sense. They look like a couple of slacker stoner dudes who live in the basement of their mother’s underwater house. You just know they wouldn’t be able to support a woman. They don’t look like they even know how to groom and dress themselves. Losers.
Their callous disregard of the latest fashion trends just goes to show how right Star columnist Heather Mallick was when she wrote, “Women often shop for men, and I shudder to think how men would dress if they didn’t. Most men can’t even enter shops to buy their own pants.” [5] (* No joke: This excerpt is taken from an attack article Ms. Mallick directed at a 17-year old boy).
Ice cream is served in scoops. The French word for scoop is boule, which translates to ball. Men have balls. A few years ago, I ordered a dish of glacé at a French restaurant in Zurich. The Italian waiter teased me by asking how many “boules” I wanted. He sexually harassed me with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Couples often frequent Ben and Jerry’s ice cream shops after a dinner date. Men ply unsuspecting women with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in order to get them into bed. After a woman’s inhibitions are disinhibited with a little Cherry Garcia, for example, the act of seduction becomes much easier.
Furthermore, many women who are tricked into bed with Ben and Jerry’s, never hear from their dates again. Not only is this an act of domestic violence [6] it is evidence that these so-called seduction artists are members of a hate group. [7]
Ben and Jerry give their ice cream flavors misogynistic names. Don’t think for one moment that I’ve forgotten the Schweddy Balls ice cream incident. [8] Forcing women and children to lick Schweddy Balls. Sickos. These two creeps should be on the sex offender’s registry.
Not to mention, Alec Baldwin was in the SNL Schweddy Balls skit. [9]
This is the same Alec Baldwin who believes PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is real and supports equal custody laws. [10] On the other hand he is a liberal and contributes to the MuffPo. [11] Dammit. Cognitive dissonance is tugging at my brain cells. CONFLICTED! [12]
And let’s not forget about the Ben and Jerry’s flavor Chubby Hubby. [13] This is indisputable evidence that Ben and Jerry support same-sex marriage. Everyone knows girl on girl is hot and man on man is not.
If men are allowed to marry one another, they will deprive women of resources that they are entitled to via heterosexual marriage and then heterosexual divorce (e.g., spousal support and child support). Ben and Jerry support denying access to money and other valuable resources for marriageable women and their children.
Additional MRM hate groups currently under investigation:
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Hungry Man Dinners
PS3, Xbox and Nintendo
Dungeons and Dragons (for the old-schoolers)
The Boy Scouts of America
The NFL
The Sarasota Men’s Barbershop Quartet
The Gherkin Building (Well, I mean, c’mon. Just look at it. It’s a phallic monument to the patriarchy. I hear MRMs meet in its basement and think misogynisticky thoughts and act all misogynisticky.)
Disclaimer: This is a satirical editorial. Stating that Ben and Jerry’s and its co-founders, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, are misogynistic MRMs and leaders of the growing MSM hate movement in no way implies that AVfM or I believe that they are misogynists or members of any hate group.
