Once upon a time, over 35 years ago, on a snowy February 4th in New York City, a miracle birth gave the world a precious baby girl. But this was no ordinary baby girl, no regular gift of God, oh no. This baby girl was a 3MP – the rarest of the rare, specialest of the special, privilegest of the privileged: A tiny baby American Princess, and a Jewish Princess, and a Black Princess, all combined into one gurgling grin. Yes, she was a Triple Magical Princess!
As luck would have it, the Triple Magical Princess and her family moved to Minneapolis, Minnesota when she was just a wee lass and before anyone knew just how magical she was. One day, at seven years old, she became lost while walking home from a park. Darkness was coming on quickly and she was cold, hungry, teary-eyed and terrified. At last she knocked on the door of a strange house and magically, a kindly older couple took her in, called her mother, and then gave her a ride home. But this couple had a terrible secret – their own young son had disappeared forever when he was about her age, and learning about this scared the 3MP close to death. From that day forward she made a secret vow that she would never have children herself, so they would never have to feel fear like she did.
The triple princess grew into a beautiful young woman, with perfect skin and shiny dark curly hair that she learned to wash only once a month. She was tall and buxom at 5’7″, 145 lbs, but she was fertile and healthy and intelligent and had a positive outlook on life, and was extremely enthusiastic, especially when it came to giving consent – just ask anyone she’s told about all this. More on that, later.
But it was her magic powers that were the most remarkable. The Triple Magical Princess had a magic called Neoteny. Everywhere she went, all she had to do was flash her toothy grin and ample bosom and men everywhere rushed to her to partake of her inspirational visage. So many men! Vast trainloads of men and boys flocked to be with her, and from those trains she pulled the tallest of the menz to become her suitors. These suitors felt themselves to be the luckiest menz on Earth, and in gratitude they showered her with flowers and candy and jewelry and gold and stuffed animals and video games and the list goes on forever!
Now, these good men’z projects included plans to become fathers by marrying the beautiful 3MP and making babies with her – a fine and honorable project just like the one that gave birth to you, and you, and you, but one that the 3MP didn’t want, because despite her crushing cramps, secretly the 3MP hated this idea of having little children most of all.
She loved empowering people and changing their lives – this brought her great joy – but despite all her denials, one day the menzes in her life figured out that she didn’t want to be a mommy after all. As word of her secret got around she found that her special magic was growing weaker. She wondered why this was, that the Viking menz who used to park in her presence with presents were now pulling out and going their own way. Perhaps it was the cold weather and dreary confines of Minnesota that were sapping her of her mojo. As she railroaded away the last of her menz poor, in pain and full of disgust (just like her), the 3MP made the biggest decision of her life – she would move as far away from Vikings as she could – to beautiful San Francisco, California!
She had done all of the right research, including listing “Californication” as her favorite TV show, so she packed up her hairbrush and nearly full bottle of shampoo and headed westward again. But nothing in her life prepared her for the men she would meat/meet in San Francisco.
These new men in her life were not at all like the thick Vikings of Minnesota. These new men were shy and gentle, and many of them liked to walk around weekends dressed in nothing but metal and leather and hug each other a lot. Such strange men! With their soft hands and funny technobabble they were nothing like the rough Vikings she had grown to desire. But she was a special 3MP, you see, and so she decided to give these men a try, too.
As she walked the streets of San Francisco, her plumpness melted away and she imagined her magic was returning to her. I can date any man, she thought, any man at all! And so began her summer of boys – entire streetcars full of boys, and yet, by September they had all abandoned her, and she finally began to worry if her magic was now gone forever.
It was only then that during her prayers God revealed to her his miracle of the tech conference – and that these conferences had boys! Many, many boys! Her heart began to sing! Why, there must be 4 boys for every girl at these conferences, and those other girls are ugly feminists!
She tweeted excitedly to her friends about stuffing menz pants with socks and other giggly girl stuff. Once again her magic would blossom – she was sure of it.
But the boys at these conferences seemed off, somehow – instead of focusing on her beautiful hair and perfect skin and ample bosom, those in this crowd of menz were all wearing wedding rings and listening to speakers and playing with their computers and cell phones. And worst of all, they were all neckbeards! And none of them were paying any attention to her at all. She prayed harder than she had ever prayed before that God transform her into a keyboard so that she could feel the touch of a man’s strong fingers one last time before she died.
It was only then that God answered her and told her about the evil Queen Ada, her Initiative, and how it banned and forbade all princess magic at tech conferences. The time of her magic was gone forever.
As she sat in her chair, seething in quiet anger and helplessness, an image of a 7-year-old girl flashed onto the screen above the crowd. The same little girl that she was once: lost, cold, hungry and alone.
Not again! NEVER AGAIN! The 3MP lashed out, and tweeted a picture of several of the neckbeards canoodling behind her. Her once beautiful smile twisted into a rictus of hate, and she swore that no one would ever live happily ever after ever again.
Donglegate 3MP – the Fairy Tale
