At first, I thought that Hannah Wallen had done a brilliant job of deconstructing – really, destroying – the falsities in Elizabeth Plank’s article about “23 Ways Feminism Has Made the World a Better Place for Men.” However, although I originally thought that Ms. Wallen’s efforts were laudatory, I had one of those sudden, inexplicable moments of doofus clarity. The phrase “doofus clarity” may sound like an oxymoron, but that’s only because the word “oxymoron” is hilarious. (Like “gubernatorial.” What the fuck?)
I suddenly realized 23 actual ways in which feminism truly has been a boon for the modern male. Now I feel a bit sorry for Ms. Plank and the terrible take-down she has suffered. Therefore, I shall be turning in my men’s movement ID and party coupons shortly, but not before I observe the following:
24. Feminism has made lacrosse a safer sport for men. After the lives of three perfectly innocent young men were destroyed by a lying, soon-to-be murderess (and one of those guys was quite obviously not even attendant at the party where this great big nothing happened), the feminists who had jumped the gun and prematurely ejaculated at Duke University ran into the streets by the thousands, demanding the mendacious woman’s head, and insisting that every false rape accusation be met with the punishment that would be intended for the innocent male. Since then, the rate of false rape accusations has severely dropped, and the feminist-led candlelight vigils for Mangum’s final victim, Reginald Daye, have never ceased. They are also outraged, as am I, that she will be released from prison after only a few years, free to lie and murder again.
25. Manscaping is a thing of the past. Feminists rightly pointed out that leg and armpit shaving, and now Brazilian waxes, have mostly to do with what women expect of other women. They realize that the idea of men oppressing women into shaving various body parts is absurd, noting that women in other cultures, like many parts of Europe, shave far less. They understand that encouraging men to engage in this ridiculous activity reduces them to an arbitrary feminine standard. They are happy to explain that women throughout human history have been more than willing to have sex with men who are hairy on various parts of their bodies, and have always found it attractive and arousing. Besides, feminists argue, men have more important things to worry about, like getting drafted and dying younger, two bullet points they never fail to mention (nor do they ever trivialize or ignore). Consequently, as manscaping has decreased, women’s respect, admiration, and appreciation of masculinity has increased in directly opposite proportion.
26. Male spaces are springing up all over the place. There has never been a demand from feminists for unisex gyms or clubs. As “women only” spaces have been created, the women who frequent these places have always and everywhere insisted that the men should have like places to commune amongst themselves. This has led to a reduction in claims of sexual harassment in the workplace, and Military Sexual Trauma in the military.
27. Men are increasingly acquiring equal custody in divorce disputes.
28. Men are far less likely than at any previous time in human history to be falsely accused of child molestation, and not at all likely to be arrested for such false charges, which, as feminists are fond of saying, would be in direct violation of basic Constitutional protections (like the need for the accuser to carry the burden of proof).
29. Men are far less likely than at any previous time in human history to be falsely accused of domestic violence, and not at all likely to be arrested for such false charges, which, as feminists are fond of saying, would be in direct violation of basic Constitutional protections (like the need for habeas corpus).
30. Now that so many more women are earning their own money (although at less-than-equal proportions to men for exactly-positively-no-mistake equal work), men are far less likely than at any previous time in human history to be forced to pay child support when they do not have equal custody (or no custody at all); and alimony is a thing of the past.
31. Feminists do not believe in “good rape”; or differentiating between “rape rape” and rape that’s not really rape. They did not coin these phrases. They tell other women to stop using these phrases, and openly acknowledge that more men are raped than women. How, they ask, can that be good?
33. Feminists were at the forefront of ensuring that an equal amount of federal funding is made available for prostate cancer research as there is for breast cancer research, since roughly the same numbers of men suffer from the former as women from the latter.
34. Feminists are to be credited with pointing out that the supposed exploitation of women in pornography and popular culture is nonsense, ably demonstrating that women also enjoy, from time to time, the sight of a naked, aroused man. (They also have made it clear that male porn stars are paid less for equal work, and have called for compensation on behalf of these poor, manscaping dudes.) As far as popular culture is concerned, say feminists, the rail-thin women portrayed on all the covers of those magazines sold in stores and on newsstands are marketed specifically to other females. Feminists also point out the ways in which the hyper-masculine is marketed specifically to males, resulting in steroid use with its physical and emotional dependency, as well as the abomination mentioned in 25 above. (I know that Ms. Plank pointed out manscaping as a good thing in her list, but I’m pretty sure she was being sarcastic. Just like me all over this fucking article.)
35. Feminists have been at the forefront of showing the world that boys, like girls, are natural learners who don’t need to be indoctrinated and drilled. They called a halt to boys being drugged into submission when they were unable to get those boys removed from schools where they did not wish to be. Daycare centers have disappeared from the face of the earth, and we no longer see disaffected teenaged males, who know nothing about their surrounding communities (and don’t want to know), hanging out at McDonald’s with nothing to do.
36. Inflation is extinct. So are long, boring commutes. Thanks, feminists!
37. Feminists are genuinely fascinated by the great and generalized differences between the sexes, while carefully noting any crossover that they might see. They gear the social sciences around these findings and celebrate them: “Vive la différence!” When they share these amazing discoveries with the world, it leads to greater appreciation between the sexes for the great and generalized contributions of the other. Thanks to the tireless efforts of feminists everywhere, women no longer run screaming from the room when men point out that girls like to play with dolls because it’s part of their nature.
38. It was feminists’ embrace of gay men, and not the spontaneous, a-political Stonewall Riots (or the Left-leaning, gay male-initiated Mattachine Society), that liberated gay men from the shackles of silence and shame. This proves that whenever there is a movement afoot for any oppressed group, feminists never jump in after the fact to claim responsibility for that group’s liberation.
39. We see a great many more women running to fill the vacancies left by sick, dying, and dead men in construction work, along with all the other dangerous work there is to do requisite for keeping the modern world functioning like so much blood through so many civilizational veins. Thanks to feminists, women love doing tough jobs for long hours. It makes them feel like equals to men, which is the only thing they want.
40. The black American community is now run by men and women alike, with the important contributions of black fathers made indispensable. Since Big Black Daddy can once again safely bring home the bacon (now that far less than 10% of black men likely to have small children are imprisoned), governmental welfare programs – along with their penchant for getting the attention of naturally hypergamous black women – are ancient history as they are no longer necessary.
41. Play dates, along with the rest of the hyper-safe, supposedly kid-friendly, heavily regulated culture, are also a bygone relic. Boys can once again climb trees, swing on ropes, run off to a friend’s house at a moment’s notice, venture into the woods, improvise a sport, and negotiate their own games, with little to no adult supervision whatsoever. Feminists rightfully decried the adverse and paranoid effects of that made-for-television movie Adam, which took the grief of two actual parents and hyperventilated it into American culture, as if all mothers everywhere should be deeply concerned about nefarious, nebulous, nasty men doing despicable things to younger males. They showed the world that feminists are far less likely to be governed by fear than the rest of the populace. And, since they believe in the equality of the sexes, they never fail to point out that women are a significant portion of the problem when it comes to missing and abused boys; thus, feminists conclude, the culture is wrong-headed to so frequently portray men alone as the villains.
42. Feminists invented the number 42.
43. Women are no longer beholden to a consumer culture. Betty Friedan’s work in The Second Wave had nothing to do with the comforts of suburbia. After all, to her, the luxurious home for which her husband drove on long, boring commutes to afford was nothing more than a comfortable concentration camp: Auschwitz with nicer sofas.
44. Feminists realized long ago that the greatest contributions to society frequently came from the minds of self-educated men, regardless of formal education. Recent examples in modern history include men who are still living, many of whom are heavily into computer technology: Bill Gates, Robert Noyce, Gordon Moore, Andrew Grove, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Jeff Bezos, Jack Dorsey, Evan Williams, Biz Stone, Noah Glass, the late Steve Jobs, etc. Putting two and two together, they concluded that access to formal educational institutions is not nearly as important as encouraging women to use their own minds to make their own decisions, without blaming men and patriarchal oppression every step of the way. They frequently point out the easy access to public libraries, the Internet, and various modes of travel that most modern women have at their disposal. They also never fail to express gratitude to the memory of so many historical men for their invaluable contributions; nor do they ever fail to point out the sex to which each of these men is attached (Bill Gates, Robert Noyce, Gordon Moore, Andrew Grove, Larry Blah, Blah-blah Blah, et blah). In their awe of these great male minds, feminists are far less likely than other women to thank men only in the context of what they do for women, or how they make women feel; and are far more likely to express gratitude simply for the existence of men for their own sake, like men frequently do for women.
45. Feminists routinely denounce women who laugh at men that are mutilated for life and permanently separated from their sex, their very identity. They can be counted on to patiently remind these cruel women that it’s never funny in the reverse, and that humans in general deserve at the very least our empathy when these ordeals have to be faced. They can be counted on to reflect for long periods of time concerning exactly how horrendously awful a man’s life can be when such a terrible thing happens. They also never change the subject when it is brought up.
46. Men no longer have to be concerned about getting vasectomies, using condoms, or performing coitus interruptus to prevent unplanned slavery. Heterosexual sex, which is supposed to be a warm, intimate, and satisfying phenomenon, is no longer a minefield. As is evident from this link, men are happier than ever being married to women. Just listen to some typical entries from that link, which I have taken the time to weave together like one of Wordsworth’s lyrical ballads:
I’m tired of fucking by a script
We’re allowed to fuck
In certain positions that are to come
In a certain order
There are to be no deviations from the script
It goes without saying
There are no blowjobs in the script
It bores me
A woman is like a vampire
She will suck
The joy out of you
And leave you a shriveled
Husk of a man
She changed after marriage
I guess once they have that claim on half
They lose the incentive
To hold back from grinding you
Down into a pulp of misery
Women are essentially a depreciating asset
Like a car
They go down
And even worse
There is a fifty percent chance
They will take your ass-
(My thanks to various anonymous bastards for helping me with the wording. The innuendos, however, are mine. All mine.)
I really wanted to find a 47th reason that feminism has been so goddamned, motherfucking wonderful for us all, but unfortunately, for some strange reason, my sarcastometer now has busted glass. That’s never happened before. Once I have it fixed, I promise to get back to supporting my newfound fag-hag Elizabeth (Lizzie-boo-boo for short) in pretending that my newfound precious ideology isn’t nearly as awful as other people are insisting it is.