Fuck the Salvation Army

I’m moving. I have a lot of clothes I don’t need from when I was a consumer whore. I want to give them away because I’m a giving person.

In a functional society, I could give my clothes to an organization that would proceed to hand them, for free, to people who really need them.

Instead, the easiest options are giving to either Goodwill or The Salvation Army. Goodwill charges exorbitant prices to people with a lot of money and then goes and spends 84% of that money on vague social programs while spending 16% on running the business and filling the pockets of the jerks at the top who thought it would be a great idea to profit off of donations.

Now, on to The Salvation Army.  Well I’d like to donate, so what does The Salvation Army stand for? I click on “Programs that Help” and the right at the top I see “Anti-Pornography”.

Oh, Jesus, I’m not donating to that.

The only reason for anyone to be anti-pornography is that porn allows beta men an outlet for their sexual frustration instead 0f marrying a woman who will divorce his ass almost 50% of the time and take his children and all his money; where he’ll be lucky not to end up in debtor’s prison for failure to pay. And for all the feminists out there who complain about rape of women, porn allows fractional minority of truly depraved men an outlet other than acting out their aggressions in the real world.

And so I investigate further. Under the anti-porn heading, I see the following: “Code of Conduct for Men” and “Sexual Addiction Treatment,”  Oh, God. So now the Salvation Army is going to tell me how to be a man and whether I have a sex addiction (read: healthy male sexuality). Too good to be true.

Because the Salvation Army felt the need to make their little code of how to be a pussy beggar into an annoying JPEG image, I felt the need to reproduce the entire thing here in TEXT format, along with my translation in true-speak in italics.

Salvation Army Code of Conduct for Men


I REJECT unconditionally all violence against women and children. All men are abusers of women and children, and women never abuse anyone, ever.

I REJECT the buying of sex with women and children. All men want to have sex with children, but if a child is not available then they’ll settle for a woman. Oh, and women don’t like to have sex, and don’t like to be paid for it either.

I WILL intervene when I see a man physically abusing a woman. It is my job as a man to sacrifice my life and well-being for any human being, as long as she happens to have a vagina.

I WILL NOT physically abuse my wife or partner. All men abuse their partners, and women never do.

I WILL intervene when my male colleagues, friends, or family belittle or degrade women. Women are perfect angels and no woman should ever be scolded for any reason, ever. Western women are good, each and every one of them.

I RECOGNIZE prostitution as harmful to women and will do everything I can to see the end of it. I will ensure that men cannot have sex, ever, unless they satisfy women’s definition of manhood.

I REJECT the buying of pornography, recognizing it as sexual exploitation. Already covered.

I WILL NOT buy products that advertise by exploiting women’s bodies when it has nothing at all to do with the product. I will not buy anything. Oh, and women just HATE being exploited. That’s why every female in the world who becomes even moderately famous begs to pose in Maxim or FHM. They’re being exploited – they’re not just narcissists.

I WILL NOT visit clubs and bars that exploit women through ‘exotic’ dancing. I will NOT admire women’s bodies, ew gross!

I WILL NOT buy newspapers and magazines that advertise sexual services. blah…blah…blah

I REJECT all forms of sexual harassment, including wolf whistling, sexual insinuations, and unauthorized physical contact. UNAUTHORIZED PHYSICAL CONTACT. Right. Apparently I need a fucking signed contract to tap a woman on her shoulder, and Han Solo is a God Damn rapist. And don’t forget the caveat, this only applies if you’re unattractive to the offended woman.

I WILL intervene when my male colleagues, friends, or family engage in sexual harassment. I will intervene when people at work flirt with each other. I will intervene every time a woman makes an allegation.

I WILL respect my female colleagues and partners as equals. I will pretend that my female “colleagues” are equals, even when they are not, which is the case almost every time. Actually, no, I will respect EQUALS as EQUALS. If someone isn’t up to the fucking job, it’s utterly irrelevant to me whether they have a vagina.

I RECOGNIZE decision-making at home is about equality and partnership. I recognize that women are always right and a man should never make decisions. Males should never lead because they’re stupid, horny animals.

I WILL encourage other men to adopt and live by this code, including teaching it to my children. I vow to ruin the lives of my fellow man and all my offspring.

Fuck you, Salvation Army. Fuck you real good. At least you’ve demonstrated that your evangelical church is no more than a front for chivalric (read: feminist) ideals.

Yikes, I just sexually harassed the Salvation Army. I hope she doesn’t have a vagina, or I’m screwed!

Anyway, if you’re in need of sexual addiction/healthy male sexuality treatment, I’m sure the Salvation Army can help.

Seriously, if I can’t a find a church that will give these clothes to people who actually need them, I’m going to leave them by the fucking dumpster.

Things Are Bad will document anything and everything wrong with society and try to answer the question the public en masse will begin to ask as our civilization’s decline accelerates: Why do bad things happen?

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