Oh, the sacrifices I make for AVFM readers. This very evening I read an article from COSMO titled. “18 Reasons Not to Give Him a Blowjob.” It was a devastatingly stupid piece, even for COSMO, offering such sage advice (to women who apparently need it) about why it is a bad idea, among other things, to have someone else’s venereal warts in your mouth.
What the piece did not deliver on substance, it did at least provide an opportunity for some levity. Here is essentially the same piece, with sexes and circumstances switched around just enough to make it pretty serious.
It’s light reading, but I promise you it is better than what you would have read in COSMO – which I grit my teeth and suggest you read first.
So, why should you not give your girl a single dime?
Because you are not obligated to.
1. Because she is being an insufferable bitch. If you insist on paying her for behavior, pay her to act like she is a normal human being.
2. Because you don’t feel like it. You earned it. Spend it on you.
3. She won’t return the favor. Well, unless you count a shitty tie from Target on your birthday, or occasionally picking up the tab at Starbucks.
4. Too much whining. Just because her tastes always seem to exceed your financial capabilities doesn’t mean her infantile wailing is part of the transaction. Hint: Hookers usually fall silent and leave after payment is made.
5. Smell. Face it. Greedy, entitled bullshit stinks. If you catch a whiff, don’t imagine that a shower is going to help.
6. If anything about laying your hard earned money out there makes you feel uncomfortable. She may have really big tits, or really small ones. Or maybe she has spit out a couple of kids and she has the saggy kind that have more striations than the surface of mars. Maybe you can learn to love any of them as long as there are two of roughly the same size. That does not mean you have to pull out the plastic. If you really want to test your credit limit over her boobs, just ask her about it. You can be assured she will have some helpful tips.
7. If she is grabbing your crotch while asking for money. The worst. Take the handjob and then go hit a sports bar, by yourself.
8. If your body is super sore from work. Forty hours of using pipe wrenches and other tools can remind you very quickly what puts the butter on your bread.
9. If you’re too tired. In the immortal words of
Samantha Jones every man who ever did real work, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.
10. If your meticulously balanced check book looks awesome. She won’t improve the aesthetics.
11. If you’re only doing it because you think it is required foreplay. Depending on the woman you are with, that may be the case. And true enough, in the end you’re getting fucked.
12. If she starts doing that thrusting thing down your pockets and you are not into it. Some people like to be robbed during sex, or at the very least they don’t care, but if you’re not one of them, just cover your pockets with your hands and wait for her to notice. It’s the “Third grade teacher holding up his hand in a noisy classroom until all the kids are silent” technique.
13. When it looks like something is wrong with her mind, BPD-wise. But I hope I don’t have to tell you that.
14. When you’re annoyed with her for any reason. The moment you finance a better mood for her, likely so you can get back to the sex she really isn’t otherwise interested in having with you, is the moment a relationship starts to shrivel and die like a salt-slug. And trust me, when it is over you will need all the money you can get your hands on.
15. When you have stuffy nose, or a hangnail, or a paper cut, or a mild headache, or when you are experiencing none of these things. You need a woman who is a match for you intellectually. That means she can find her purse when bills come due or the dinner check arrives. If she is too stupid, or entitled to do that, then find another woman.
16. In the shower? This is the one exception. Give her all the cash you have on hand.
17. If she demands that you pay for everything. Deciding to do that yourself is pretty crazy, but hey, who am I to question your choices? But a woman who expects it of you is pretty uppity, not to mention useless. And if her demands are the reason you are throwing cash at her, do yourself a favor. You can do the same thing, and have a lot more fun, at a titty bar.
18. You ask her to carry her own financial weight and she refuses. Whether you elect yourself as the designated ATM in your relationship is your business, but if she won’t cough up the cash after you’ve made it clear that you want her to, that’s a dealbreaker.