Report: Man arrested for standing absolutely still in his own house

Emergency operators in Palm Beach County, Florida received an anonymous phone tip at 7:36 PM the previous evening by a “transitioning squirrelkin” alleging that Ernest Pollock, a 31 year old train conductor, assaulted her.

I’m up in this tree across the street watching this creepy pervert through his window, and he was standing erect—ERECT for God’s sakesin the middle of his living room eating a big burrito and watching male power fantasies like he wasn’t hurting anybody. His… his… rigidity in the face of images of rape and patriarchial norms triggered my PTSD from when I was in sixth gradean—and-and—an—

The operators disconnected the call after struggling to address the caller, who instead of stating her name on request, started insisting that the operators use “pronouns” consisting of chirping noises. S.W.A.T. troops were dispatched a few hours later when 6 Twitter users claiming to know Ernest heard that he was planning to plant a bomb in a nearby McDonald’s visible from his house. The Twitter users all had accounts less than a day old, but each user claimed that they were “afraid to come out uhntil (sic) now.”

The “power fantasy” the caller observed Ernest watching was an episode of Californication, a scene of which is shown below outside of badly needed context (NSFW):

Residents in Ernest’s quiet suburban neighborhood were deeply disturbed by the incident and his taste in television. During the raid, aspiring actress and neighbor Kimberly Lance yelled this to one of our correspondents on the scene over the sound of a K-9 unit improvising Pollock’s circumcision:

It’s absolutely disgusting. How can we stop violence against women so long as men conspire to take advantage of women under the guidance of PUA scum like David Duchovny and his guild of rapists-in-training?

Kimberly is one of many members of the emerging End-it-All Party, which challenges local representatives to combat intimate partner violence. Their advocacy work includes mailing bloody roller pins to the wives of male Florida state senators inscribed with the words “You have the power to stop him,” and publicly chopping sausages with meat cleavers to the tune of Fugazi’s Suggestion. Kimberly helped draft the party’s mission statement, which included “writing new laws uhntil (sic) ignorance and hate are no longer perpetuated by masculine social constructs. Kimberly vowed on record to “take men like Ernest out from their homes so they can no longer hurt innocent bystanders expressing their American right to judge men standing around plotting to oppress women.

One End-it-All volunteer quips “If we stop men while they think the thoughts we think they think, then they can’t act the way we are sure they’ll act. Sexism is only going to stop when pussy gets proactive.

Ernest is now facing animal abuse charges for “bleeding excessively into the K-9 unit’s eyes and one count of disturbing the peace for “all the screaming.

Coming up next, Hillary Clinton gains strong early approval ratings for the 2016 race by informing the Florida constituency that “wives were the primary victims of dog attacks,” and a Florida teenager discovers a morbidly obese woman wearing “furs, spy shit, and, like, five phones” hiding in a hedge outside of his father’s house.

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