Ladies, stifle your orgasms

The feminists tell us all the time that masculinity is a toxic thing, but what is the source of the poison? As a feminist booster and in honor of Women’s History Month I am compelled to study this question and take it to the logical conclusion.

A shocking new article in Cosmo by the aptly named , “Why Guys Get Turned on When You Orgasm — and Why That’s a Bad Thing” laments, “Of course guys manage to make YOUR orgasm about themselves.”

It turns out that, when a woman has an orgasm with a man (or fakes one with sufficient skill that the bed is soaked and the neighbors lodge complaints), something really, really bad happens – men derive a sort of secondary pleasure termed “masculinity achievement”.

Did I mention that this is a bad thing?

Such secondary male pleasure means, horribly, that a woman’s orgasm is not woman-centric enough to please the anorgasmic hags at Cosmopolitan. (They actually use the term “woman-centric” when “gynocentric” would have been a fine alternative.) When a man is happy, a woman must respond with annoyance. And the further genocide is that the female orgasm rewards and thereby encourages masculinity – the subtext being, of course, that masculinity is a really bad thing. You know, like toxic or something:

The researchers draw a fairly frightening conclusion from the research findings. When women’s orgasms begin to serve as a masculinity achievement for male partners, the orgasms cease to be about women’s liberation or sexual pleasure. They just become another opportunity for men to flex, or “shore up their sense of masculinity.”

Now, Hannah does not say what women should do about this pestilence of male pleasure – I suppose she is more about whining than finding solutions – but as a men I feel the natural masculine compulsion to fix things even if this subverts my considerable warehouse of “masculinity achievement”. Did I just make it all about me? The irony, I know.

Advice for women:

  • Stop having orgasms during sex with men, or
  • Insist on cash and prizes beforehand, or
  • Learn to squelch your orgasm, perhaps with drunkenness, or
  • Tell your partner to pull out like Amy Schumer did the Barbie movie. If Amy is not available, any discarded seafood at the market will suffice to make my point clear.
  • If you do accidentally orgasm, sigh with frustration once he finishes, and berate him for his lackluster performance, or
  • Tell him you are a Lesbian and you like his “feminine achievement.”

Advice for men: 

  • Learn to approach sex with a stoic, “just get it done” attitude.
  • Do not focus on pleasing your partner, which is a part of patriarchy.
  • Apologize profusely if she orgasms to show how shameful you find your masculinity.
  • Watch lots of porn instead.

With enough coöperation and hard work with feminism I am sure the sexes can make the female orgasm disappear into the myths of antiquity, where it rightly belongs.

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