Gentlemen, gather round. We have a problem.
The problem is women. They are in crisis. Dreadful things are afoot for them, and they need our help.
Despite 6,000 years of men protecting and dying for them, despite the fact a mere 16 per cent of men gain custody in child custody cases, despite women having a higher life expectancy globally, and despite the fact that men get higher criminal sentences than women even when all other factors are accounted for, women are not happy.
It’s not just because no-one’s invented the self-mowing lawn yet, nor because they are more selfish than men and more likely to bad-mouth their friends.
Nor are they unhappy for the more serious and important reason that women are being bluntly told, by feminists, that they should not have bodily freedom in, for example, the sex industry.
They are not particularly bothered about the fact they are less likely to earn as much money in their lifetime as men and less likely to run for and be voted into political positions, because they still control the vast majority of the purchasing power in the western world.
Anyone who can manage that while doing barely any of the dangerous jobs and being so narcissistic as to barely notice the fact is doing pretty well.
No, they’re unhappy because they get patronised too much.
They even feel like they’re being discriminated against. That men are happier and more privileged, and what’s more manage to be this way even when they make up 90% of the homeless and prison population and the vast majority of suicides.
Sneaky us. I hadn’t even noticed, but then I was busy mutilating my penis into genitalia women would approve of, and that makes me seem manly yet hygeinic, ditching that smegma and paying the vast majority of the tax burden so women can menstruate.
Me and my privilege.
Anyway, women have started a campaign for some long-overdue recognition. It’s called International Women’s Day and it happens every March 8.
Now, I know there may be some among the brotherhood who’d complain they’ve already got the other 364 days a year. And they’d have a point.
But we don’t have a perfect world, as all the above has shown. And we must start somewhere.
There can be no harm in recognising mums are just as useful as dads, that gender-specific diseases like cervical cancer need to be stopped, that women too can be victims of violence and suicide.
No-one sane can possibly have a problem praising the value of someone being a generally good gal – whether it’s to her dad, her partner, her children, or the world at large.
It would be mean of us to say the gals behind this movement must have never been outdoors if they claim “women are the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat”.
It would be unkind to point out that their objections to the fact ‘men make sacrifices every day in their place of work… for their families, friends, communities and nation’, based on their opinion that it “applies just as much to women”, ignores that men are the vast majority of workplace casualties and fatalities.
And it would be cruel of us to mock them just because the best person they could think of as a ‘positive role model’ is blogger-turned-“gamer”, Anita Sarkesian.
No, men, we are above all that. We can see the bigger picture, and we can and should support International Women’s Day in every way that we can.
We should support anything which might, one day, lead women who make false rape accusations to be held accountable.
We should throw ourselves behind a day that might prompt women into speaking out about rape myths, and perhaps taking a day off from bigoted propaganda such as “Schrodinger’s Rapist”.
If it grows and is a success then maybe in the future International Women’s Day will be the one day a year when women campaign against the recruitment of boys as soldiers, male genital mutilation, male suicide and persecution in the courts, as well as their cervixes, lack of political accomplishment and failure at entreprenurial ventures.
Perhaps one or two of them might even urge others not to demonise every man not to their taste who approaches them as “a creep” or “rapey”, while fully expecting and hoping for a Brad Pitt-lookalike to do exactly the same thing.
Think of that – one day when women urge one another to be better than they are, and insist that every person is treated equally regardless of their gender.
Wouldn’t it be lovely?
One day when all women earn their fair share of the income, refrain from shaming young men and boys into war, and chant ‘I must not use the word “manflu” ever, if I want my partner to look after his health’.
So, women, knock yourselves out. Have your day, do your best, overcome what you can. I’ll cheer you on, in fact I’ll even fill your car with petrol and help you with your placards.
While you’re off dealing with that, we men will just get on with everything else.
Don’t hurry back.
Note: this is a satire in response to Susie Boniface. –DE