Eating While MGTOW: Caldera beans and jalapeno cheese cornbread

Nothing is better after a delicious, filling meal than a good stogie, a snifter of brandy and flatulence. I can’t help you with the smoke and the drink but when it comes to post-victual methane production, I’m your huckleberry.

So switch on your printers, gents, because after the first time you eat this eruptive combination, you are going to want to come back over and over again. And besides, you’re MGTOW. You either don’t have a woman there or even if you do you are the kind of campfire king that doesn’t mind just letting her deal with it.

First, the beans.

Get those beans going because they are going to cook long and slow. You can do this in a large pot on the stove if you want. I prefer a slow cooker because I like equipment that frees you up to more or less ignore it. Here are the ingredients:

One pound of rinsed pinto beans (look for small rocks as they add nothing to the flavor and are bad for your teeth).

One yellow onion, (trigger warning) skinned and quartered.

However many crushed cloves of garlic float your boat.

A big ol’ ham hock (smoked turkey neck is a sure winner, too).

One poblano pepper, destemmed, seeded and hacked into chunks.

One tablespoon chili powder.

One tablespoon ground cumin.

Salt to taste.


One white (Spanish) onion. Cold!

Some chopped cilantro.

Now, put your little gas makers in a big bowl and cover them with water plus 2-3 inches. Let sit in the fridge overnight. Drain the water and toss them in a big ass pot or slow cooker. Cover with fresh water liberally. Give at least 3-4 inches of water above the beans.

Add everything except the cilantro and white onion.

Put the pot on a stove and light a high fire under its ass until it boils like a feminist in finishing school.

Lower heat to simmer, cover and cook for 3-4 hours. Cook and stir occasionally for the last 30 minutes to reduce.

Or, if using a slow cooker, just dump the ingredients in, turn it on low and walk away.

You will want to come back and stir from time to time, and taste, as you might want to adjust seasoning. In your stove pot be sure to stir from the bottom so you don’t burn your beanies.

Now for a little cornbread magic.

A good bowl of beans just fine all by itself, but when you drown a big old hunk of fresh out of the oven cornbread in them, they go to a whole new level. Here is the recipe for that. TRIGGER WARNING: unless you like fat and fat shaming, this is not for you. But if you don’t care about all that crap and just want a damn good meal (several actually) on the absolute cheap, then get ready to get serious about getting full.

Jalapeno Cheese Cornbread

Rub the bottom and sides of a 9 x 13 backing pan with butter till it is greasier than a Chicago politician.

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup yellow cornmeal

1/4 cup sugar

2 tablespoons baking powder

2 teaspoons salt

2 cups of obnoxious full fat milk

3 big ol’ eggs, whoop up on ‘em a little but don’t overbeat them.

2 sticks of unsalted butter, melted.

Tip: Melting butter is one of the very few reasons for a microwave to even exist. But if you go that way be sure to cover the container you use. Butter has pockets of water in it and they tend to expand much faster than fat when heated quickly. The sticks can pop like a feminist brain engaging a fact, splattering useful butter on the inside walls of that otherwise useless contraption.

8 ounces of shredded Monterrey Jack or other cheese of your choice, though I don’t recommend anything too sharp for this recipe. Set about an ounce of it aside.

4 chopped scallions, white and green parts for the batter.

1 chopped scallion, white and green parts for the garnish.

1 or 2 fresh, large jalapeno pepper(s), destemmed, seeded and finely chopped, depending on how much you want to bring the pain. If you leave them out altogether, turn everything off, make yourself a mayonnaise sammich and put Mary Poppins in the DVD player. You’re done.

Just kidding. Real men eat whatever they want.

Now, put all your dry ingredients into a large bowl and mix ‘em up. Then put all your wet ingredients into another bowl and mix them up. Again, flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt in one bowl. Milk, eggs and butter into another. Use a soft whisk to stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients till most of the lumps are dissolved.


At this point if all the kitchen violence is getting to you, take a short break. If not, push on to the finish line.

Gently fold in about 2 cups of the Monterrey Jack, 3 scallions and the jalapenos. Fold until completely mixed in, then STOP. Cover the top of the bowl and let it set for about a half hour at room temperature.

This is a good time to preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

Pour your batter into the greasy pan, even out the top and sprinkle it evenly with remaining cheese and scallions, then and shove it into the oven. Shut the door on it like it was chivalry.

Let it cook for about 30-35 minutes.

Tip: You can check cornbread for doneness with a toothpick. Stab the cornbread in the middle with it as far down as it will go. Pull it back out. If it is wet, put it back in the oven till the toothpick comes back dry enough to remind you of your ex.

When done, set on counter to cool.

This is a good time to peel your white onion and slice it into rings as well as chop your cilantro, about a tablespoon of it.

The rest is a matter of style. Some people like their bowl of beans with the cornbread on the side. Others like their cornbread on a plate or in a bowl smothered in beans. However you take it, sprinkle the fresh chopped cilantro on your beans when served. Serve the cold raw onion rings on the side.

Some people might complain this recipe could be what is known down here as borracho beans if you just add a bottle of beer to the water. Trust me, just drink the beer with your dinner.

Now, sit back and stuff yourself. Wait 15 minutes. Fart.

Repeat as necessary.

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