Eating MGTOW: Stuffed Chauvinist Pig

I was a bit hesitant to write an article for this MGTOW series since it brought back college memories of my little British sports car, once again sitting on the side of the road in dire need of transport back to the service station for yet another repair I couldn’t afford.

You see, back when I was a frat boy in college majoring in courses now related to rape studies, I decided that, in order to attract all the young, innocent, drunken college women that I was entitled to introduce to patriarchy, I would need a sexy little car. Instead, I bought an MG.

It looked like a car, but it mostly just sat in the parking lot at the frat house because, well, it was British and that is pretty much what British cars did back then. But I guess that is only fair since I have criticized Paul’s recipes and called August’s chicken boring, that I give them a chance to criticize my own recipe. So, although my MGTOW isn’t quite the same as their MGTOW (NAMGTOWALT), a little diversity never hurts, right?

So I give you:

Stuffed Chauvinist Pig
(about 12-15 servings)

1 pork loin (about 5 lbs, costs about $12.50)

Trim any excess fat and starting about half an inch from the end cut a lengthwise opening along one side of the loin to within about half an inch of the other end. Cut as deep as you can without piercing the other side. The opening will form a large gaping gash into which you can thrust… well, you’ll see.

¼ cup (60 ml) white wine
¼ cup (60 ml) white wine vinegar
½ cup (120 ml) apple juice
1 tbs sriracha (15 ml) chili sauce
1 or 2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
Salt, pepper, sage, rosemary, thyme

Like anything that is about to be stuffed, the pork loin should be well lubed. Combine the marinade ingredients; place your loin into as small a container as it will fit and pour on the marinade. Put it back into the fridge and leave it alone for anywhere from a couple of hours to overnight.

You can do this with a pork loin but don’t try putting off young, innocent, drunken college women. This is asking for a false rape accusation whether you indulge them or not: they may come to regret the experience and then so will you.

½ cup (120 ml) dry bulgur
½ cup (120 ml) dry buckwheat
2 cups (480 ml) water
Seasonings: Salt, pepper, sage, rosemary, and thyme
½ cup (120 ml) pecan pieces
½ cup (120 ml) dried fruit (I like raisins, dates, figs, apricots, prunes, cranberries, etc. Just chop anything large into raisin or cranberry-sized pieces)

Cook the bulgur and buckwheat in the water with the seasonings (it cooks the same as rice). If you’ve purchased whole pecans put some of your excess testosterone to good use by placing them between paper towels on the counter and violently battering them into submission with a mallet. If you’ve got large pieces of dried fruit, now would be a good time to hone your knife skills by chopping the fruit into small pieces. Mix into the cooked grains.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (about 175 C). Remove your meat from the marinade and pat dry with a paper towel to get rid of some of the evidence. Stuff the meat with as much of the stuffing as you can.

If you know how to tie a stuffed piece of meat, then now is a good time to apply a little bondage. If not, use a few toothpicks to secure the stuffing.

Place your loin on a baking sheet and roast in the oven until the internal temperature (in the center of the stuffing) reads at least 150 F (about 65 C).

Remove from the oven and allow to rest for about 20 minutes. Remove the string or toothpicks and cut into 1 inch slices. Serve with any leftover stuffing and steamed veggies.

But wait, there’s more.

No good piece of meat is ever finished until you’ve smothered it in white sauce.

Dilute about half a cup of mayo with some white wine vinegar until it drizzles nicely off a spoon. Add a little minced garlic and/or grated horseradish, some salt and coarse ground black pepper. Drizzle over your loin.

Voilà! Stuffed Chauvinist Pig.

Sadly, I never did become the serial rapist that my feminist overlords insisted that I should aspire to be.

Instead, my career options as either patriarch or as MGTOW were cut short when I sold the car and met a nice Asian woman who wanted nothing more than to make my sammiches, bring me beer, and massage my feet; all while working two jobs so I don’t have to.

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