I’m sorry. I forgot to ask first. Do you mind if I say hello?
Very good then, hello. I’d like to share a few ideas with you but first I’d like to ask if I can write the topic sentence. I can? Thanks! Hold on, just a few more questions. It’s a twelve word sentence. Do you mind a twelve word sentence? Is that OK? Also, there’s a swear word. Do you mind if I type a swear word? You don’t? Great! Wait, hold on. One more thing. It’s in English. Do you mind the fact that its in English? You don’t? Awesome sauce!
OK, here’s the sentence: stopping after every discrete action to obtain consent is annoying as hell.
Now, do you mind if I also include a follow-up remark to that as well? Are you sure? You’re not drunk, are you? High? Distressed? Triggered? Suffering from deeply embedded Stockholm Syndrome? Well, there’s really no way for me to know that your consent is valid, since we’re on opposite sides of an internet connection. So I’m taking a pretty big risk here. I’m like the James Bond of consensual blogging. Shaken, not triggered.
Anyway, here’s my follow-up remark: if this turns you off reading, imagine how much it will turn you off sex.
Think I’m being academic? Far from it! Now, not only coming to a campus to you, but, eventually, everywhere! Here let me – oh, wait! I forgot to ask. Do you mind if I quote someone? I know, I know, I’m bringing in a third party. Kinky, eh? Well, let me sell you on it: his sentences are long and his thoughts are deeply penetrating. Are you ready? Is that a yes? Is it? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WHO’S YOUR WRITER?!? WHO’S YOUR WRITER?!?
I can’t take that confused look on your face as consent. Nor your smirking. Nor your obvious willingness to continue reading. Nope. I need your expressed, verbal consent. Since we’re on the internet, please register it in the comment section below.
Ah, OK. There it is. Yeah, you wanna see that quote, don’t you? You wanna see how hard the grammar gets. You verbvert, you! I bet you’ve got a filthy, dirty keyboard. Don’t worry, I’m going to make you (consensually, of course) clean it up. Anyway, I can see you kind of nodding now. Is that a yes? Because body language doesn’t count anymore. All hail the post-intimacy society!
OK, you finally said yes: here’s Pierce Harlan over at Community of The Wrongly Accused (you should definitely read the full article) explaining why what’s going on over at the American Law Institute is such a big deal:
The American Law Institute is the most important and most prestigious organization of legal scholars and prominent attorneys in the United States. The ALI drafts model laws that become statutes and Restatements of the Law that are widely cited as authority in judicial opinions.
Pierce Harlan foresaw the danger of the “Dear Colleague” Letter years ago, and how it would lead to the flood of false rape accusations on college campuses we have today. Oh, crap! That was an entire follow-up sentence without prior consent. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me! Please forgive me! I just started typing and actually enjoying myself and I forgot mid-flow to stop all the action and check in with you – verbally, of course, because that’s all that matters anymore. So now I’m a rapist. My college career is ruined! They’ll never let me write a snarky article again. What’s that? You won’t tell anyone as long as I do everything you say (including sex on demand) and never break up with you? Well… err… I guess that’s fair. It’s not like I really have a choice if I want to graduate without getting my name dragged through the mud. Go rape culture awareness!
Whew! Thanks for being so forgiving. You really let me off easy on that one. Now, do you mind if I include another quote? This one’s a little longer. Actually, its quite a bit longer. Like, almost twice as long. Do you think you can handle that? Is this what you want? Are you sure? Say yes. Out loud. Louder. LOUDER SO THAT THE RESIDENT ASSISTANTS CAN HEAR!!!
Very good. You consent. Thank you. Here’s the other quote:
The proposed revision to the Model Penal Code would turn a young man on a date into a criminal if he timidly reaches out to hold his date’s hand without her prior positive agreement. (Because the proposed revision is written in gender neutral terms, theoretically, the young woman would be guilty if she initiated the contact, but in a society where gender roles are largely defined by pursuer and “hard to get,” and where male complaints of sexual assault are hardly ever reported and even less likely to be believed, this proposed law is intended to punish, and change, traditional male behavior.)
OK, now last time I forget to ask permission before writing a follow-up comment. You own me now, and I’ve learned from my mistake. May I make a follow-up comment?