Editor’s Note: This article is also available in Spanish.
We all know what that means; its a euphemism for saying that a Woman is…homely, but her supposed “nice” qualities somehow are to makeup or otherwise compensate for that. In many ways, it’s the analogue to the Nice Guy(TM) phenomenon that’s got the ire of so many ladies in our time these days. And we all know how and when such a phrase is used, too; when such a Woman is being foisted on you, usually in the form of people close to you – supposed friends, family relations, coworkers, that sort of thing, unwanted and unsolicited. People love to play matchmaker and like to experiment with you as the guinea pig.
Oh, joy.
If you’re a guy who has anything going for you, chances are you’ve been the “lucky” recipient of such unwanted matchmaking with such “nice” ladies; and the whole situation is something akin to being waterboarded at Guantanomo Bay, precisely because of the way the whole thing goes down, because of the people involved, and because you’re supposed to somehow be thankful and appreciative that your people have gone out of their way to set you up with a female – not taking into account that she is looking NOTHING close to what you consider to be sexually attractive.
Why is any of this important? Because, in the ongoing discussion on what I refer to as Sexual Politics in our age, where topics ranging from the Nice Guy(TM) problem, the question of Street Harassment and the War on Pickup continues, little things like what I refer to as the “But She’s So Nice!” issue never sees the light of day – in part because Men don’t make any noise about it.
That changes today.
So, since the question of “entitlement to sex/relationships” is often a part of these kinds of conversations, and I consider the “Nice Gal(TM)” to be very much part and parcel of the “entitlement to sex/relationships” axis, I thought the following real life account would suffice.
Many years ago, there was a young lady who liked me and, because she was tight with my family, she attempted to use those associations to insinuate herself into my life – aided, of course, by certain of my family members.
Now, this young lady was NOT sexually attractive to me. At. All. And yet, my people kept trying to “push” her on me, telling me how “nice” she is, and so forth. Not only did I immediately decline, I would continue to decline everytime; it got to a point where I’d try to avoid this young lady everytime she was at the family home and so forth.
After awhile I got tired of the whole thing – and the constant dodging of this “nice” gal, and simply decided to put a merciful end to it all, since it was clear that she, nor my family, was getting the message. Guessing correctly that she would be hanging out at my people’s place, I told the young lady that I was NOT sexually attracted to her AT ALL, and to please stop trying to push up on me. I said it very plainly, in an even, monotoned voice, looking her squarely in the eyes, and in front of many of our mutual people.
She burst into tears.
And then the “Big, Bad Meanie” treatment began:
“how could you do that to her, Obsidian, she likes you!”
O: I’m NOT sexually attracted to her.
“But she’s so nice!”
O: I’m NOT sexually attracted to her.
“She would make a really nice girlfriend for you!”
O: I’m NOT sexually attracted to her.
“That ain’t right!”
O: Zones out
Keeping aside for the moment Ms. But-She’s-So-Nice’s lack of feminine charms, is the fact that I never asked to be setup with the lady in the first place, which pissed me off even more; the assumption is that because I’m a guy with a d*ck, I’m supposed to just hop on anything moving in a skirt, and be happy as a clam about it, no less! God forbid I actually have some ideas of my own as to whom I would like to partner with.
You see, this is the flipside of these kinds of discussions that rarely if ever sees the light of day – Men
aren’t expected to have their own ideas and standards of what they find sexually attractive, AND to
decline any alternate offers if he thinks they are subpar. If he does this, he “ain’t right”, he’s “mean”, “selfish”, “superficial”, and if you’re Black, you’re full of “self hate”, “colorstruck” and so forth. No, it couldn’t just be, that you simply aren’t into the Woman in question due to her not being sexually attractive to you as a Man; you MUST accept her overtures, because if you don’t you’re “mean” – and besides, “she’s so nice!” – right?
If you think what I said above was somehow “mean”, consider the frequency – and severity – of Defcon 1 level Nuclear Rejections Women unleash on Men all the time – which makes what I said/did look like a peashooter by comparison. Why aren’t those ladies who engage in such actions upbraided for it by their own inner circles?
At any rate, that particular episode, along with a few others, taught me many important lessons – one of them being, just how much people – those most close to you at that(!) – don’t have any freaking clue as to what turns your crank; second, just how much those same people will assume that you, as a Man, is constantly thirsty; and third, how little respect or regard they have for you as a human being. It was these experiences that led me to the conclusion that if that’s what it meant to have family and/or friends, I’d be much better off without them in my life; I don’t need or want any help making things more difficult.
“Well Obsidian”, I can hear some of you saying, “Women go through this all the time – being setup with guys they’re just no into all the time, often unsolicited by family, friends, coworkers, etc – so what’s the big deal?”
The big deal is we all know that this happens to Women – but we never hear about the flipside, from the guys whom this sort of thing happens to. Guys for whatever reason simply don’t speak up about these kinds of events, and that needs to change. Hopefully, my doing so today will inspire other Brothas to follow my lead.
Oh, by the way: there is a popular meme going around the Sistahood that says, that Men really don’t like being approached by Women, but this is NOT true, IF, said Women in question are hot. When Men rebuff a Woman’s advances, it’s usually, not always, but usually, because said Woman is shooting out of her league. Which happens to Nice Gals(TM) more than any of us are willing to admit.
There is ALWAYS a flipside, folks.
Remember that.
Author’s Note: This originally appeared on The Obsidian Files, Thu, Jul 11, 2013.
