When I was a lad, I was informed that the word “fart” was an acronym for “Foul Air, Rear Trap.” It made sense to me at the time, but as is often the case, you eventually discover that you can’t believe everything grown-ups tell you.
Whatever the origin of the word, I have noticed that in recent years it has become more acceptable to utter it in polite society, even on television, which was once unthinkable…network standards, you know.
Today the Overton Window has been flung wide open to air the topic of flatulence. Yet in our egalitarian-obsessed society, it is difficult to obtain funding for any sort of study pertaining to group differences, particularly between men and women. Studies that reveal uncomfortable truths that conflict with egalitarianism might be uncovered and you don’t want to go down that road…unless you’re a standup comic.
So imagine my surprise to discover that one important male/female difference has been studied extensively in recent years and the results are in. It turns out there are measurable differences between men and women when it comes to passing gas. I don’t know how these studies were funded, but I haven’t come across any DOGE revelations. If federal funding was used, this is one rare example of your tax dollars being put to good use.
There are sound reasons for doing honest research on the topic. If male and female alimentary tracts are different, that would certainly affect the advice given by dietitians and nutritionists, not to mention physicians who prescribe medication. Gas is a common side effect of many foods and supplements and may be more likely in one sex than the other. So who are the people offering enlightenment on this topic?
The “Real Clear Science” web site offers “Women’s Farts Smell Worse, and Five More Facts You Need to Know About Flatulence.” It seems female emanations have higher concentrations of hydrogen sulfide, which produces the classic “rotten eggs” smell. Personally, I think it’s related to veganism, which is much more popular with women than men. What can you expect when you consume copious amounts of broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts?
This may explain why women throughout history have experimented with so many different perfumes. Sooner or later a gal has to let one go and strong perfume might be just the thing to override her colon cologne.
Yet when it comes to the battle of the sexes in regard to stench warfare, nature has a way of evening things out. The ICEF (Invisible College of Experimental Flatology) has researched the topic, and according to “The Flatus Gap” by Eric Von Adkisson, women may have more hydrogen sulfide in their emanations, but men pass gas in larger volumes, so the actual malodorousness is pretty close to even. It’s the old quality versus quantity conundrum.
While hard science has studied the gender gas gap, the soft sciences have also weighed in on the topic. Consider L.G. Lippman’s “Toward a social psychology of flatulence: The interpersonal regulation of natural gas,” published in Psychology: a Quarterly Journal of Human Behavior, way back in 1980. Or you might want to check out Bethany Brookshire’s “The Social Psychology of Flatulence” on the Weird Science web site. Or Lisa Wade’s “Who farts? And who cares?” on The Society Pages web site.
It turns out that loud farts are funny, but men find them funnier than women. Well, that finding is in synch with my lifelong observations. Sense of humor is largely men’s territory. Think about all the times somebody passed on a joke to you or emailed a funny meme. More than likely it was a man. I daresay you have never seen a woman emit a rip-snorter followed by a sly chuckle and a pause for applause. Frat boy behavior, no question about it. But there’s a little bit of the frat boy in all of us men, even those who have never set foot inside a fraternity. Of course, there is often a little bit of the frat boy in many college girls, particularly after they have been overserved at a frat party.
Another non-startling revelation is that people find the sound of smelly farts to be slightly less funny than the sound of non-smelly farts.” Intuitively obvious, I’d say. When it comes to the five senses and passing gas, taste, touch, and sight are irrelevant. That leaves us with hearing and smelling. Few farts will be so ear-shattering as to make one cover one’s ears. Holding one’s nose after someone pulls the pin on a fart grenade is a distinct possibility.
Various studies have concluded that women’s sense of smell is more acute than men’s. Many theories have been proffered to explain this. My theory is that a more sensitive sniffer informs mothers when it’s time to check the baby’s diapers. Given how much time women spend dealing with the miasma of infantile excretions, it’s understandable that they fail to see the humor whenever you air out your colon.
As a lifelong male who is congenitally deficient in empathy, I have never given much thought to the etiquette of eructation. In some social situations it could be the perfect rejoinder; in others, merely a non sequitur. Today, however, many cities have made it illegal to smoke or vape in public. So far as I know, it is not illegal to pass gas in public. On the other hand, I wouldn’t expect a positive response if you plead a First Amendment right to do so. You’re more likely to get the Pepe Le Pew treatment.
Passing gas in one’s own home is another matter. Unfortunately, a man’s home is no longer his castle. In truth, I’m not sure it ever was. My grandfather was a pipe smoker. That was perfectly acceptable to my grandmother in the living room. But she drew the line at abdominal swamp gas. “You should excuse yourself and leave the room,” was her advice. Easy to do today when you can take your tablet or smartphone with you, but in grandpa’s day what to do when a barking sphincter coincides with the denouement of a Perry Mason episode? You couldn’t take the TV console out of the room with you, and this was before home video recordings were possible. So when duty called, he let it go silently. He was a master at it. Never heard a peep out of him – not once! Whenever grandma caught a whiff and complained, he’d gaslight her about his gas passing! He would reply “Oh, you’re imagining things,” or words to that effect. Of course, “If two people are on an elevator and one of them farts, they both know who did it.” George Carlin’s very words! A Zen koan of the highest order.
Thinking back to my youth, I believe there was a sort of potty parity among toddlers. Little girls were as amused by whoopee cushions and armpit farts as little boys were. But eventually there came a parting of the ways and we ended up with the sex differences described in the above studies.
As valuable as these studies may be, there are questions that remain unanswered. For one thing, do mothers ever play the “pull my finger” game with their children, or is that the exclusive province of fathers? When teenage girls have get-togethers, do they have fart-lighting competitions as their male counterparts do? Are there more men than women in the wind section of your local orchestra? Pressing question: do these sex differences persist in the trans world? Is the chemical composition of a trans woman’s flatus closer to that of a biological male or female?
So many questions, so much more research needed – but you don’t need to go begging for government grants to study male versus female flatulence. I can’ t think of a better topic for a high school science fair.
Or a better way to meet chicks!
