The Battle Of The Beavers

Feminism comes in different sexual positions.
One feminist, Deborah Tolman, converted the moment she discovered that the missionary position is least likely to give a woman an orgasm. (1) As it turns out, your literal sexual position can actually result in feminism. Never in history has there been a better argument for doing it doggy style.
After decades of clashing, sex-positive and sex-negative feminist battle-axes have given birth to the sex-confused. For such a mechanically straightforward human act, the amount of carnal confusion surrounding sex is quite astounding. Let’s look at the ins and outs.
In order to spare folks the visual of our anti-porn queen, Andrea Dworkin, let us imagine instead a rotund puppet with a clump of frizzy dark hair glued to it. The face is a frowny mouth under two lumps of coal and that’s all you need to know.
Doozy Dworkin, the sex-negative guru, had some strong opinions about how impossible it is for women to legitimately enjoy sex. Ever. Period. Regardless of position. Though she protested that her book Intercourse never actually stated all heterosexual sex is rape, she is quite clear that to her “[t]he normal fuck by a normal man is taken to be an act of invasion and ownership undertaken in a mode of predation.” To paraphrase, Dworkin’s irreparable problem involved the equipment. Women get stuck with a baseball glove while men get to wield a bat.

“In the experience of intercourse, she loses the capacity for integrity because her body—the basis of privacy and freedom in the material world for all human beings—is entered and occupied; the boundaries of her physical body are—neutrally speaking— violated.” (2)

I remember playing baseball in grade seven and a fly ball was headed straight towards me in the outfield. I lined up, stuck my glove in the air and closed my eyes. I can’t tell you how satisfying it was when I felt a hard solid thunk. I looked down with amazement to find that I’d actually caught the damned thing. To this day I still enjoy the memory of the first time that ball hit my hand.
A new branch of study arose for those women who remain uncomfortable with their anatomical role in the game-of-grind. Women can now take classes teaching them how to “actively receive” during intercourse to make it feel a little less rapey.
I’ve heard about these women before. We normally call them dead fucks. Starfish on sticks. (I don’t mind pounding home this point.) If there’s a course available, get their arses in there because I shudder to think of how disappointing these chicks have been to their wannabe lovers.
What does one talk about in these classes? How does one practice actively receiving? They might close the blinds and start out lightly by doing things like answering the phone. Then they progress to throwing Nerf balls at each other; if it hits you in the head you did it wrong. Advanced classes incorporate eating various fruits and vegetables; if you wait for the banana to come to you it’s a fail.
The super secret levels teach her how to tone the muff muscles until she can grab him by the cock and throw him to the ground with her twat.
Thus we arrive at the problem created by the founding mother of this school of thought:

“A commitment to sexual equality with males is a commitment to becoming the rich instead of the poor, the rapist instead of the raped, the murderer instead of the murdered.”
~Andrea Dworkin (3)

Yikes. Attack of the nookie ninjas!
Next to enter this vacuous hole is the opposing sex-positive feminist view, creating The Civil War Of Snatch. This new brand of grrrl power encourages women to be brazen bitches. They’ll get that double D surgery under the fib that these sisters are doing it for themselves. They parade their sexual hunger in the public all-you-can-eat buffet. It’s all progressive goodness until men put their grubby hands in to foul the merchandise. The sexual power of these creatures is easily ruptured by the first prick.
Foolish men who dare to drool at their pushed up, tummy tucked divinity soon find themselves on the wrong end of a lawsuit. These sex-positive women gorging themselves on their own lustful behaviours are deeply disturbed by the side effect of men getting aroused. Hands off the sushi train.
Jaclyn Friedman of WAM! and Jill Filipovic of Feministe had a delightful conversation about female masturbation and how great it would be if women could admit to self-pleasuring without it getting warped into feeding male pleasure. (4) This is a serious problem for them. They want you nasty ass men to stop getting turned on when women talk about fucking themselves. You’re screwing it up for the sexpo divas. These hot heathens declare that men need to stop sexualizing women’s sexuality. Wrap your face around that one.
They demand the freedom to talk about flicking their beans without finding some dude winding his trouser crank. That’s a reasonable request if you don’t mind thought police.
These sexually liberated viragos are easily spotted. En masse, a great shrew of feminists strut with signs on Slutwalks. They do this to reclaim the word slut while competing to look the sluttiest among sluts in a pre-Halloween excuse to flaunt their flesh in daylight. You can find out what they think a slut looks like by attending one of these events, but it becomes sadly obvious that they haven’t watched enough porn.
A real slut looks like a librarian. She tells you to “shhh” then puts that finger between her luscious lips and closes her eyes while she moistens and suckles at it. Whatever version of whore, the grand delusion of the Slutwalk premise remains: Guys don’t have a problem with sluts. Women have the problem.
Never once has a man called me a slut in a bad way.
It’s a cat-scratch jungle out there. The competition is fierce and it’s vicious. Nobody treats a woman’s body like an object as meticulously as a woman does. We paint it, tweeze it, wax it, surgically enhance it, bake it, fill it, bleach it, steam it, tousle it, fluff and fold it, and dress it up like Barbie on barbiturates. All of that just so we can put it in a window and wait for men to steam up the glass with their hot bestial breath while they check the balance in their bank accounts.
Doesn’t that sound positive to you?
Despite encouraging women to feel secure and confident with their sexuality, Friedman is a champion of the concept of “rape culture.” Be confident but be afraid. She claims our culture trivializes rape then goes on to call her political attack on a social media site #FBrape. It’s confusing but it’s not her fault. It’s an academic issue that you’d only understand if you’ve taken Women’s Studies. (5)
A note to Friedman: If you’re going to attack facebook for violence then revoke the poke. I think we all hate getting poked because what the fuck is that anyway?
Now we’ve arrived at the sex-confused group and it’s hard to be in the middle of a war zone.
Protests run rampant demanding we rid the world of rape and sexist objectification of women. A“Lose The Lads’ Mags” campaign (6) encourages retail employees to sue their bosses for making them sell Hustler and Playboy. No one forced these workers to take the job in the first place.
Meanwhile, the biggest advance towards mainstreaming porn was accomplished by a woman. Fifty Shades Of Grey, by E.L James, is unashamedly read on subway trains and in lunch rooms by middle aged women without the slightest blush. This is a book that resulted from a fifty year old woman turning the Twilight stories into a kinky erotic fantasy. This woman created adult porn while thinking about teenagers. 70 million women worldwide now have a choir of cash registers singing “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”. I guarantee you the patriarchy wasn’t behind this one.
Men are a lot less confused about sex than women and they seem to have a better grasp of what constitutes rape. The only debate about easing off statutory rape laws was amongst feminists after The Vagina Monologue’s “The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could” ruffled some feathers. Some feminists decided that young children are perfectly capable of making sexual choices and, most particularly, when the older seducer is a woman. Rape is a hypersensitive subject until it interferes with female entertainment. (7)
Sex isn’t a Rubik’s Cube. Things run smoother when people who don’t like to fuck stay away from partners with high libidos. It also helps if women who want to be seen as sexual creatures stop blaming other people for noticing their sexuality. If you think the female body is beautiful, then don’t get upset when you see it on page 3. Sexuality is not a disease, don’t turn it into one. We don’t need an antidote.
The question at hand is whether feminism has managed to fuck up the enjoyable act of fucking. The answer is an “enthusiastic yes.”
Sources

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