Gentlemen:
I know that a lot of you have reacted with fear and revulsion concern over the “donglegate” feminist imbroglio empowerment exercise. I know you are looking askance at the female geeks in your midst, the ones you used to enjoy working with, the ones you used to trust, the ones who told you they just wanted to be treated like one of the guys, the ones who you thought just wanted to succeed on their own merits, the ones who covered your ass faults when you needed it, the ones you did all that work for when she was on her period so oppressed by the patriarchy that she didn’t feel like working for a week a culture that promotes rape crimes against the vagina-born wimminz, and the ones you once counted as friends.
Most of you are clamming up around disassociating yourselves from your female coworkers and while it is permissible for a woman to retreat from a hostile environment created by men, when the hostile environment created by women is discomfitting to backwards men, your departure is a premature ejaculation & withdrawal a rude, abusive and unacceptable response to an impossible a difficult but manageable situation, and we urge you to “man up” or face the consequences.
There is a technique to deal with these feelings and you need to learn it so that you can keep your fucking jobs protect your employment and keep your marriage domestic partnerships and your children putative or nominal offspring alive: its called, walking on eggshells respecting a woman’s comfort and feelings about certain words and technical terms spoken in our industry and in her presence.
As part of our commitment to bend over and take it up the ass from every dildo-strap-on-wielding feminist bitch who wakes up in a bad mood our valued and vulnerable liberated female employees, our feminist slavemaster Adria Richards Human Resources Department has compiled a list of troublesome micro computer aggressions and a description of how some crazed harpies reasonable women might find them a vicious chance for worldwide shaming and attention-whoring objectionable.
Some examples from the list:
“computer” – a woman’s stupidity sensitive ears and deep womanly understanding render this as “come-put-her”, as is in “hey, guys! come-put-her down while we whip out our large dongles!” From now on, the correct term will be “Ada Machine”.
“cable” – this is a sexist term that suggests the male sexual organ and so it is always hurtful to women and their beautiful lady parts. From now on, the correct term will be “umbilicus”, except in the case where some sort of severing or cutting is contemplated: it is okay to chop off a cable, but one can only attach an umbilicus.
“RAM” – filling a come-put-her with extra RAM denotes a violent act used to hurt and oppress women. From now on, the correct term will be “anniversary reminders”.
“ROM” – see “RAM”.
“forking” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a portmanteau of “foreplay” and “fucking”. From now on, the correct term will be “adopting”, and the evil phrase “forking his repo” should be rendered as “adopting her ideology”.
“hardware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an erect penis in a war on women. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “happy shoes”.
“software” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an flaccid penis disobeying a ravenously horny woman’s demands for penetrative sex. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “new shoes”.
“freeware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a sale at DSW. This term should only be whispered to a woman so she can get there first.
“monitor” – a monitor is a type of lizard, which is suggestive of the male sex organ, which is oppressive to women. From now on, the correct term will be “bright eye thingy”.
“thingy” – a woman’s-only term for the penis. Men should instead say “ummmmmm”.
“mouse” – eek! Kill it!
“Python” – a Python is a snake, which is oppressive to woman. Don’t use this for anything.
“Java” – a Java is a drink served by oppressed secretaries to their male bosses, AND a reminder of the elevator assault on Rebecca Watson. Don’t use this for anything.
“C++” – C++ means “Cunt plus Oral plus Anal”, a brutal evaluation of women’s utility in programming. Don’t use this for anything.
“Motherboard” – this term implies that women are only valued when they give birth. From now on, the correct term will be “empoweredbroad”, except when it has problems, and then “manboard” is acceptable: “Oops, this manboard is fried. Let’s ask a woman to replace it with an empoweredbroad.”
“term” – the word “term” is related to pregnancy (“carried to term”), which is a process the patriarchy uses to suppress both women’s wages and her access to free abortions. From now on, the correct term for “term” will be “word”.
“compiler” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “come pile [on] her”. From now on, the correct word will be “interpreter”.
“interpreter” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “enter pretty her”. From now on, the correct words will be “make it go”.
“laptop” – delicate lady ears hear “lap” as a reference to the vaginal area, and “top” as dominant sexual partner. Taken together, these terms oppress women. From now on, the correct word will be “baby Ada Machine” unless the lady is experiencing fertility issues, in which case the words “re-sized Ada Machine” may be used instead.
“Spreadsheet” – delicate lady ears hear this as a vile sexual position on a well-made bed, both of which are oppressive to women. From now on, the correct words will be “math is oppressive for everyone”.
“Systems analyst” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to sista’s in STEM fields to be anally raped. From now on, the correct word will be “smarty”.
“worms” and “virus” – delicate lady ears can’t handle the fears these words create in their lady brains. Don’t say them at all.
“rights” – this is a term word that only ladies are allowed to use. Men have no rights to “rights”.
The full list of 113,000 entries is available in corporate headquarters. All male employees will be expected to have mastered this list at birth.
