I was startled from my light doze in the above-ground observation bunker in the Houston compound in the cool predawn. “Esmay” the deep voice whispered in my headset ears.
I snapped to alert. “Yes Overlord Elam!”
“You were asleep again weren’t you Esmay.” It was not a question.
“No master, no! I was merely meditating to clear my mind and allowing the automated systems to alert me to black helicopter presence! I am alert, see see!”
“Don’t lie to me, worm,” said Elam. To my relief I could tell he was merely annoyed and not really angry. He probably had a task for me. We had both agreed my presence in the observation shelter was a backup for the automated systems anyway. Apparently he had something else in mind.
“Deacon Esmay,” said Overlord Elam, “I have a plan. The insidious Woman Whose Name Shall Never Be Uttered Again uncovered our plot for world domination and has revealed our Libertarian Infiltration plan. We must now put our plans to overtake the MGTOW community and destroy all opposition into high overdrive. You must contain or kill someone for me.”
“Chapin?” I asked hopefully.
My lord paused momentarily and said, “Who?”
“Sorry m’lord, nobody important” I simpered. “Who did you have in mind?”
“You must find and mind-rape… the mighty Barbarrrrossssssssaaaaaaaaa. If necessary you must kill him.”
Fear and pride pushed adrenaline into my arteries, and I quivered with a thrill that was almost sexual. I had taken a pledge to kill upon demand with no questions asked whenever Overlord Elam demanded, but he had never actually asked me fulfill that oath directly. Already formulating a plan, I asked, “Should it be a covert assassination from afar? I have been practicing my sniper skills.”
“Fool! I said mind-rape him, and kill him only if necessary!” he bellowed. I winced and pulled the headset away from my ears a bit. That Texas drawl of his is a bitch when he starts shouting. But then his mighty rage calmed, and he said in a more even voice, “No, you are to make contact and instruct him that he must join our cause and pledge fealty to me, and only if he refuses are you to liquidate him.”
“How shall I proceed M’lord?”
“I have arranged a meeting in Istanbul. Plane tickets are already on your bunk, along with a passport, cyanide tablets, and a ceramic sword and gun you can get past customs. You are to meet him in Istanbul, in an abandoned dockside warehouse along the Bosphorus. And he has agreed you are to meet alone. You will of course be recording. Also, Agent McCarley will be observing, although you will have no direct visual or audio contact. She will be observer and backup.” (And sure to kill me if I failed, although I knew better than to acknowledge this.)
The flight to Turkey was a long one but the cyanide tablets were easy to conceal in my electronic cigarette kit and the ceramic gun and folding katana Overlord Elam supplied me with got right past the airport scanners exactly as Lord Elam had said they would. The taxi driver who took me from Atatürk International Airport to the warehouse had no trouble using the printout I’d made from Mapquest. Eerily, he looked, acted, spoke, and drove in the exact same manner as the cabbie who’d shuttled me to LaGuardia Airport in New York. Is there an international union of Swarthy Angry Yelling Men Who Become Cab Drivers who take lessons in accelerating and braking at 5-10 Gs and whose whole mission is to terrorize passengers with Near Death Experiences at least 3 times per trip with their crazy driving? It seems to work out somehow, as when I finally arrived at the abandoned warehouse I massively overtipped him just for managing not to get us killed before arrival.
The smell of water and brine filled my nostrils as I entered the dusty warehouse. Sunlight threw spears of light through the otherwise dark huge empty space, bits of dust dancing like thousands of microscopic faeries in the shafts of light. A rustling noise, probably rats, caught at the corners of my ears. Although I had never been in this building, the 3-D images Overlord Elam had provided let me know exactly where everything should be. But still the mysterious Barbarossaa was nowhere to be seen. Calmly I walked to the middle of the massive mostly-empty floorway and, coughing a bit, cleared my voice and yelled, “Barbarossaa? Are you here sir?”
A deep low rumbling chuckle came from behind me. I whirled and saw a massive figure casually turn from behind a pillar. I choked back a startled cry. He looked nothing like I’d been led to believe. He was at least 8 feet tall, with bluish-green skin, massive braided dreadlocks falling to his waist, bloodshot eyes with yellow pupils and, to my shock, having not just one but two pairs of arms, three of these massive arms holding swords and one with an Uzi. I whipped out my gun in my left hand and snapped open the folding sword in my right. Pointing the gun at his barrel-sized chest, I said, “I came in peace motherfucker but these are cyanide-coated bullets. Don’t fuck with the Elam crew.”
“Ha! MHRA scum! You don’t scare me!” He leapt into the air, arcing at least 20 feet above the floor in a direct line for me. I dodged and tumbled 90 degrees to my left, coming up and nailing him with five shots directly to his chest as he landed and whirled to face me. He barely even flinched. It was only then that I realized he was wearing the legendary MGTOW body armor that I had only read about, and my bullets probably could not pierce. Quickly putting another clip into my gun, I aimed for his face, although to my surprise he did not move toward me.
“Hahahahahaha! I just wanted to see if you had any spirit. If I’d wanted you dead you would have been a cinder the moment you stepped in here. ManWomanMyth has the entire building rigged with explosives anyway. Which he will use at my signal, by the way.”
I heard a faint crackle in my ear. Overlord Elam had implanted a special subdermal microchip in my skull before the trip, although he had refused to tell me what it was for. Now I realized as Suzanne McCarley’s voice whispered to me, “I already took M-W-M out. He’s dead. I have control of the detonator, you’re safe. Don’t tell Barbarossaa but do whatever you need. I’ve got your back, Deacon.”
I smiled to myself. “Well Bar Bar, you’re impressive enough I’ll grant you. But you came when my master summoned you, didn’t you?”
“Summoned me? I asked to speak to you.”
I paused. “What?”
“Yeah dude, I wanted to talk. I kind of like your videos.”
I felt a brief bit of confusion. As I opened my mouth he screamed “PSCYH!!! COMMUNIST FEMINIST THUG ATTACK, HO!!!” and charged at me, swords whirling and Uzi firing. Fortunately he didn’t know about the experimental blue forcefield technology that Alison Tieman had wired up for me. I was able to shunt away his bullets but it wasn’t clear how well the new field technology would work against his swords. As he came toward me, I did my best to stay steady as I put my sword in a block position and took aim with my gun at his face…
OK, so the actual conversation was a little calmer than that. Feel free to listen.–DE 🙂
