Communication between men’s rights advocates (MRAs) and feminists is never easy – even when we speak the same language, the gaps in logic and reasonableness between our outposts seem impossible to colonize. MRAs speak with logic and facts; feminists speak with something called “emotional truth” (lies) about “social justice” (which is neither social nor just). This frustrating split seems destined to keep us apart forever, despite our stated mutual interest in gender equality.
Toward ending this divide and as a part of a kinder, gentler AVFM, I am exploring the use of emotional language, rather than facts and logic, to reach out to our nominally equal-rights-seeking sisters and, it is to be hoped, heal our many rifts.
Creating the feminist zodiac is the next step in my humble efforts to turn their vagina monologue into a dialogue. By using an idea of my own specious fabrication, I hope to engage those feminists for whom prevarication is both a life choice and sexual preference. I’m willing to meet you halfway, girls. Any takers?
Oh, and I should note: the feminist zodiac is not based on the day of one’s birth – that would be too patriarchal and triggering – but rather, on the date of your last abortion. This gives you the right to change your sign when the curse of future motherhood afflicts your divine nethers.
Entitledus – January 20 to February 18: You deserve the best in life, and this makes you unique, the most special of special snowflakes. You deserve free money, education, food, protection, men, and whatever number of shoes makes you happy. No one can judge you. This is your age, and your age will never leave the toddler stage. You will die forgotten, never doing anything worthy of note and you are proud of that since achievement is a man thing.
Famous Entitlians include Anita Sarkeesian and #TrigglyPuff.
Fishius – February 19 – March 20: You are highly abstract and meta, the most special of special snowflakes. You have no use for men nor bicycles, and you are blessed that neither of them wants you back. You will lose power as you age, eventually dying from ineffective efforts to support you.
Famous Fishians include Gloria Steinem and Canadian ginger TERF Meghan Murphy.
Hairius – March 21 to April 19: From your side-shave to the tips of your furry hobbit toes, you are the most distinctive of special snowflakes. The most intersectional of all feminists, you see grooming as one more way that the patriarchy wants to rape you. You will perish from the sight of yourself in a mirrored safe space.
Famous Hairies include Madonna And Emma “Mattress Girl” Sulkowitz.
Bulcrapius – April 20 to May 20: You are the apex, the most special of special turd blossoms. Your shit literally does not stink as far as you know, even when it hits your many fans. Your paranoia about sex, consent, and human interaction brings you to bizarre places, including pegging and death by starvation.
Famous Bulcrapians include Shulamith Firestone and Laci Green.
Germinius – May 21 to June 20: Your personality is the most contagious, much like your vagina, which makes YOU the most special of special snowflakes. You will forever proclaim that as a feminist you do not hate men despite your irresistible use of hateful, misandric terms like “patriarchy”, “toxic masculinity” and “male privilege”. You will succumb to evaporation since everyone can see right through both you and your risible denials.
Famous Germies include Laurie Penny, Brooke Obie, and Claire Warner.
Cancerous – June 21 to July 22: You are the essence of feminism; indeed, one could say that feminism IS Cancerous, making you the most special of special snowflakes. In many ways, people want cancers like you even more than they want feminism. Cantankerous and canting don’t even begin to describe you.
Famous cancers include Melissa Click and Hillary Clinton.
Kittenious – July 23 to August 22: You are the most reasonable of feminists, and that makes you the most special of all special snowflakes. Although other feminists hate you to the point of burning your books about men’s issues, and men’s advocates find your demand for more male gallantry grating, still you carry on trying to bring validation to the hate movement that is feminism. You will croak from frustration.
Famous kittens include Christina Hoff-Sommers and Cathy Young.
Slatterious – August 23 to September 22: Your sex-positive pretensions and rounded heels set you apart, making you the most special of all special snowflakes. The recent rise of “rape culture” and “toxic male gaze” as trendy feminist themes is making you feel your age as your last embattled ovum dissolves in a sea of intersectional semen.
Famous Slatterns include Amber Rose and Beyonce.
Librious – September 23 to October 22: For taking the “equi” out of “equilibrious,” you literally tossed equality off the feminist train. You want women-only legal rights to abortion, rape, the military draft exemption, and parenthood. You flinch and deny whenever men’s issues are mentioned. You will swing as a result of the feminist collaboration trials to be held in Seneca Falls by President Trump.
Famous Libriums include Amanda Marcotte and Jessica Valenti.
Scarfius – October 23 to November 21: Your fantastical appetite for social justice and cheeseburgers makes you the most widespread of feminists, the most special of special snowflake. No wedding cake is safe from your critique or maw. You will expire in a series of earth-shaking events.
Famous Scarfers include Andrea Dworkin and Roxanne “Bad Feminist” Gay.
Faghagitarius – November 22 to December 21: By pretending to support gay men while infiltrating and co-opting their movement, you are the most fabulous feminist, the most special of special snowflake. Secretly, you will never forgive gay men for their championing of marriage, a thing you openly despise and covertly would kill for. You will die at the hands of your wife.
Famous Faghags include Rose McGowan and every entitled twat who thinks it is cool to colonize gay bars and other men’s spaces.
Captious – December 22 – January 19. By finding fault even where none exist, you are the pinnacle of feminism, the most special of special snowflake. From inventing problems with air conditioning, dress codes, mansplaining, and manspreading, there is no place you will not go to prove your obsession with finding things to hate about your male betters. You will die in combat training a few days after being drafted.
Famous Captors include Eva Braun, Hitler, and Lily “Mansplain” Rothman.
Well, that concludes the feminist zodiacal pantheon. I hope this will build a deeper emotional bond between MRAs and feminists.
I know I’m having a moment with it myself.
