[dropcap]O[/dropcap]ne Million Moms, an offshoot of the American Family Association, has taken offence to Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Ball’s and wants them removed… permanently. Why? Good question. It’s not like Schweddy Balls are actually sweaty testicles or any such thing. In fact they have absolutely nothing to do with the male sexual anatomy.
They’re named after a vastly popular skit performed back in the 90s on Saturday Night Live featuring Alec Baldwin cast as the character named Pete Schweddy, a character who sold balls; all kinds of balls, popcorn balls, cheese balls, chocolate rum balls, malted milk balls, all kinds of balls for all kinds of tastes. So aside from the obvious pun, and the dirty minds of One Million Moms, there’s absolutely no reason to associate a brand of ice cream brand made with chocolate rum balls and malted milk balls with the male genitalia or to insist that Ben & Jerry cut off the production of their Schweddy Balls.
But that’s entirely the point.
These women are offended by the male genitalia. It’s an outgrowth of the feminist condemnation of male sexuality. Any public mention of anything that might remotely remind us that men are sexual beings and have parts of their anatomy that are different from those of women must be banned. I’d suggest that these women be sentenced to attend the Testicle Festival and be force fed a batch of chicken fries followed by a Rocky Mountain oyster or two. Then perhaps, tongue fondling a few dozen Schweddy Balls won’t be quite so offensive.
Besides, I haven’t heard of them demanding chicken eggs or caviar be taken off the market. In fact, I’ll bet each and every one of them has fed dozens of those female reproductive cells to her children and enjoys eating them herself. In fact, it’s so normal for us to consume female reproductive cells that we never bother to think of them as such. But just one mention of a delicious treat that even remotely reminds of manhood is so repulsive and disgusting that we must demand it be taken off the market in order to protect our children. But one thing’s for certain, if just one of these million moms were to consume some of these Schweddy Balls, I’ll bet she’d swallow; and quite happily, because of course, “No one can resist my Schweddy Balls” ~ Pete Schweddy (played by Alec Baldwin).
