If You See Jezebel in the Road, Run the Bitch Down

Ed’s note: This article, originally published on October 22, 2010, is a satirical response to a piece that appeared on the feminist site Jezebel (“Have you Ever Beat Up a Boyfriend? Because, Uh, We Have“) and to media trivializing the physical abuse of men and boys. It has been brought back to the front page after a recent uptick in mainstream media attacks on the intent of this piece. 

For their advance edification, we provide this link to the following wiki page, which provides definitions of Horatian and Juvenalian satire. We do with the instruction this article is an example of  satire of the Juvenalian variety. Eds.

Juvenalian satire, named after the Roman satirist Juvenal (late 1st century – early 2nd century CE), is more contemptuous and abrasive than the Horatian. Juvenalian satire addresses social evil through scorn, outrage, and savage ridicule. This form is often pessimistic, characterized by irony, sarcasm, moral indignation and personal invective, with less emphasis on humor. Strongly polarized political satire is often Juvenalian. Also see: Satires of Juvenal.

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It’s domestic violence awareness month, folks, and we are now in the latter half of another month long national circle jerk, the entire domestic violence industry masturbating to a frenzy of trumped up stats and sadistically titillating lies.

We have flying spittle in the halls of congress, the antecedents of hysterical demands that we take on the worldwide cause of defending helpless women across the globe from their sorry lot in life as victims. We have grown men donning themselves in drag couture and walking a mile in “her shoes,” a sort of trendy, new age and humiliating self flagellation by men who want to atone for all bearers of the evil penis.

And we have a resurrected article from August of ’07, from the women at Jezebel.com (tip of the hat to the illustrious Dr. Snark) demonstrating how violent and unrepentant they really are — how much they seem to enjoy it.

Senior writer Tracie Egan Morrissey penned the article, which addresses research findings reported in Psychiatric News that, “In fact, when it comes to nonreciprocal violence between intimate partners, women are more often the perpetrators.”

Morrissey reacted to that oft ignored reality, after a query of her female staff and readers for those who have beaten their boyfriends, with the following:

“…well, let’s just say it would be wise never to fuck with us.”

And of course the comment section that follows the article backs up her pro abuse attitude toward men. It is replete with women regaling us with stories of how they kicked, hit, smashed and bloodied their boyfriends for doing the sometimes annoying things that men do. One women reported that she punched her ex in the face for having the audacity to get another girlfriend after they broke up.

The editor summed up the general attitude about these women physically attacking their significant others and then glorifying the abuse.

“They had it coming,” she said.

That’s it. In the name of equality and fairness, I am proclaiming October to be Bash a Violent Bitch Month.

I’d like to make it the objective for the remainder of this month, and all the Octobers that follow, for men who are being attacked and physically abused by women – to beat the living shit out of them. I don’t mean subdue them, or deliver an open handed pop on the face to get them to settle down. I mean literally to grab them by the hair and smack their face against the wall till the smugness of beating on someone because you know they won’t fight back drains from their nose with a few million red corpuscles.

And then make them clean up the mess.

You know, we used to have a name for people who only hit those that they knew wouldn’t fight back.

Bullies.

And we all know that bullies are cowards. Put a hurting on one and they go find someone else to pick on every time. It’s what cowards do.

Now, am I serious about this?

No. Not because it’s wrong. Self defense isn’t wrong. Every one should have the right to defend themselves. Hell, women are often excused from killing someone whom they allege has abused them. They can shoot them in their sleep and walk. Happens all the time. It’ll even get you a spot on Oprah and feminists will lionize you.

In that light, every one of those women at Jezebel and millions of others across the western world are as deserving of a righteous ass kicking as any human being can be. But it isn’t worth the time behind bars or the abuse of anger management training that men must endure if they are uppity enough to defend themselves from female attackers.

The better option is to kick her to the curb, figuratively speaking, and hopefully move on to some better choices. Besides, violence in self defense should be in some way commensurate with the violence of the attack.

I will say this, though. To all the men out there that decided to say “Damn the consequences,” and fight back, you are heroes to the cause of equality; true feminists. And you are the honorary Kings of Bash a Violent Bitch Month. You are living proof of just how hollow “don’t fuck with us,” rings from the mouths of bullies and hypocrites.

In the spirit of feminists everywhere, you GO, boy!


 

Note: once again, for those who missed it, this article is a satirical response to this piece on Jezebel (“Have you Ever Beat Up a Boyfriend? Because, Uh, We Have“) and to common media “jokes” about women physically assaulting men and boys. –Eds.

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