Famed native New York City TV chef Bobby Flay’s dreamy 10 year marriage to Law & Order: SVU actress Stephanie March has turned into a nightmare served extra crispy. News accounts vary on which one of them filed for divorce but their prenuptial agreement is being challenged as well – poor Steph is due to get only $5000 per month and that’s barely enough to cover the bleach treatments on her tresses, I guess.
As men going their own way (MGTOW) well know, it is bittersweet when couples you like split like a kiwi under a cleaver: bitter that another marriage has collapsed and sweet that you knew better than to fall into the marriage trap that destroys the lives, families and bank accounts of so many good men.
I mean, seriously: Law & Order: SVU features cops and lawyers destroying the lives of men (both guilty and innocent) every week merely because men dare to have sexual desires. Even touching – even looking at – any woman associated with that show should be seen as the height of suicidal ideation in men. Rattlesnakes are safer, tastier, and won’t bite your retirement funds.
Although he was born and reared in New York City, Flay adopted Southwestern Cuisine as his hallmark to the point where he married Dallas girl March, who made uncredited appearances as his friend on some of his barbecue (BBQ) shows. In honor of his new-found “freedom” from having sex with March (but he’s not free from paying her for it) and since he’ll be tied up in court for a bit, I figured I’d help dudebro Bobby out by sharing some of my BBQ secrets.
One cornerstone of BBQ is the preparation of slabs of pork ribs. There is something distinctly primal to the combination of open fire, slabs of meat and ripping juicy flesh from one bone after another, much like attorneys gut the wallets of hapless former husbands while their ex-wives are bobbing their heads with approval on the laps of their new boytoys.
Many novices confuse BBQ with outdoor grilling. The methods have some common elements but the techniques are wildly different – grilling involves fast cooking of things like burgers and hotdogs over direct high heat. BBQ is prepared slowly using indirect heat for most or all the cooking. In relationship terms, grilling is a 10 minute walk of shame and BBQ is a drawn out divorce court fight.
Back in the 1980’s the company I worked for gave 5 year anniversary gifts to employees who could survive the pressure cooker of long hours, impossible deadlines and international travel. Most of the gifts were gender neutral but one was distinctly male: a Weber® Original Kettle™ grill.
If you don’t have access to a BBQ pit, you can modify a charcoal kettle grill to serve as one, but first you will need to gather what I call “veggie tailings” – the forgotten debris left over from vegetable preparation, much like the quiet, ignored tears of the confused children of divorce.
Veggie tailings include otherwise discarded things like:
- The husks, silk and stems from whole ears of freshly cleaned sweet corn.
- The dried husks, tough outer layers, stems, cores and root ends of large, sweet yellow onions.
- The stems and seeds from peppers like bell or jalapeño.
The leftover debris of any other fragrant vegetable that you enjoy is a good candidate for the tailings pile. If I’m planning on making BBQ I’ll gather up the tailings for several days beforehand – once I even got corn husks free when I saw a farmer’s market owner husking corn for sale and I asked nicely if I could haul off some of them to go with my purchase.
The fuel:
Regular, cheap charcoal is fine for use as fuel. In my area mesquite-infused charcoal is sometimes available and if the price difference is not too great I’ll use that.
Chips or chunks of whole mesquite wood are also nice to have – I soak these in water for at least overnight before I use them. These are used only after the fire is started, of course.
The veggie tailings you’ve been collecting will also be turned into fuel. More on this below.
Firestarter:
I use an electric fire starter – basically a loop of metal that you plug directly into a wall outlet/or via extension cord once you are ready to start the fire. I avoid lighter fluid – while some folks have fond memories of the chemical aftertaste, I find it to be as unsavory as thinking that a prenup will protect you from a harridan armed with a pricey, weaponized divorce lawyer.
Prepare for the burn:
Remove the top cooking screen from the grill and on one side of bottom grill screen (NOT the center), make a small pile of charcoal. SMALL. We are BBQing, not grilling! If you want to be precise, make a square with 25 charcoal briquettes (5×5). Top with the cool, unplugged electric fire starter, then build a pyramid like the patriarchy of old forced feminists to erect: add a layer of 16 (4×4) briquettes, then 9 (3×3), then 4 (2×2), then 1. Beautiful.
Prepare the ribs for the BBQ:
Many people use a “dry rub” for the surface of their BBQ ribs – some recipes for these rubs can be quite elaborate – see, for example, this untested one from the Food Network.
I prefer to omit these rubs completely – like marriage, I find dry rubs to be painful, disappointing and utterly unnecessary to one’s BBQ success – the salt in the rubs tends to draw moisture out of your meat and the spices on the surface can turn bitter if they burn.
Instead, using heavy-duty aluminum foil, I build a “cradle” under the ribs to contain their natural juices as much as possible while allowing the smoky heated air to surround them. If the ribs appear to be low in fat I’ll be tempted to rub some oil on them but I’ve found this step to be unnecessary also – raw dogging it works best for me.
Prepare the Veggies:
Peel 4 or more ears of sweet corn, saving the husks and other debris for the fire. Place on heavy-duty aluminum foil with salt, butter and whatever spices you prefer. Wrap tightly.
Slice off the stem and root ends of one or two yellow onions, saving the debris for the fire. Slice the remaining bulb in 2-3 round disks, each about 1/2 inch thick. Remove and save the dry outer layers of the slices.
Place a slice of onion on a sheet of aluminum foil and top with a splash of teriyaki sauce and a pat of butter. If you like, add a sliced button mushroom or two and seal the packet. Repeat with the other slices.
We DID start the fire
When all else is ready, it is time to fire up the grill. Plug in the electric starter. Within 5-8 minutes the coals will be aflame and you can unplug and remove the starter. I take this chance to flatten the coal pyramid to an arc slice of no more than 2 briquettes high. After about 4 more minutes all the coals should be at least 50% grey with fire and ash. It is time to damp down the fire like affirmative consent dialogue kills sexual passion.
If you have soaked-in-water Mesquite chunks or chips around, drain them and layer them over the hot coals. Careful! – the upwell of steam can be fast and scalding.
Next, later about 1 to 2 inches of veggie tailings over the coals. The steam should be robust but you still want to keep the fire going. This is the art of BBQ – moderated heat, not too hot and not too slow.
Onto the flames!
Place the top metal grill surface atop the damped coals and place the ribs and veggie packets on the cool side of the grill away from the direct heat. Open both the top and bottom air vents on the grill to 100% and close up the grill with the lid. After a minute or so, a strong vortex of steamy smoke should be bursting through the top vent. Close the vents to 50% – you may need to tinker with them to keep the fire low and steady.
As the veggie tailings dry out and eventually char, then burn, the sweet fragrance of corn/onion will permeate the neighborhood and local feminists will start hunting you for your resources, much like Stephanie March hunting for Bobby Flay’s credit cards. Tell the feminists that your fictitious “girlfriend” (or better, your fictitious “boyfriend”) is the real cook in the family and that she/he’ll be back from the store later. Once feminists are satisfied that your resources are under matriarchal supervision, their interest in your money will wane.
Keep an eye on the steam vent – too little steam/smoke means either:
- The fire is going out like Lesbian bed death, in which case you may need to open the vents or even leave the top off for 5 minutes to refresh the fire, add more charcoal, or more likely
- The fire is burning too hot, in which case you may need to damp down the fire further with more veggie tailings/damp wood chips, or cut down on the air reaching the coals.
Slowly cook the ribs, corn and onions for 2-3 hours. During this time you can prepare a BBQ sauce (see below) or taunt feminists on Twitter. For the last 10-20 minutes as the fire reaches its highest heat, remove the ribs from the foil and place them over the high heat to brown and caramelize the outside of the ribs.
Remove the food from fire, cool for 8-10 minutes, and serve.
To sauce or not to sauce:
I start with a bottle of commercially produced BBQ sauce but I always modify it. I’ll add minced garlic, chopped green onion, chopped jalapeno pepper, black pepper, hot sauce, some leftover wine or beer, and whatever else I think might be interesting, then slowly simmer the result while the ribs are cooking.
My not-so-secret ingredient is a wild one: Angostura Bitters. One to two tablespoons to a bottle of sauce adds an amazing punch of flavor.
Bobby Flay worked in steamy kitchens for decades to build up his restaurant empire. At age 50 he should be enjoying the fruits of his labor. Instead, he will now be in a court fight with a vicious, toxic shrew.
Not even the best sauce can make that palatable.
Some previous entries in Eating (While) MGTOW:
