I rarely use this site any more for personal style blog posts. It just seems inappropriate, as though AVFM is no longer just mine. And it isn’t. This corner of the internet as my personal blog yielded to a movement a long time ago.
I am still going to ask your indulgence as I take a selfish trip into the personal.
It is a time of resolutions for many and I am no exception. As I look back on the last year and examine myself, looking at the (many) things I could do to make changes for the better, one of the things that strikes me as the most glaring is composure.
I am not a particularly patient man. That is something that frequently works both for and against me. Whatever it does, it is what it is. I am seeker of change, and when I think it is important I am generally not happy till I get it.
This part of my personality sometimes has me at odds, even with people whom I care for and respect. It plays out, even a little more frequently these days in the comments of this website. For those bothered by that, you have my apology, even if it is perfunctory.
My pet peeve, more than anything else, is traffic directors that don’t know how to drive. It is those who won’t roll their sleeves up, but who want to fly in and tell others “how it is done.”
This bothers some more than others. It bothers me a lot. The least I can do is offer an explanation.
At the risk of sounding like a bellyaching feminist, my chosen path in life is hard. The conflicts are stimulating, even exciting at times, but I really don’t think anyone in their right mind enjoys reading in national media that they are a hate monger. There is nothing particularly gratifying at seeing your name as a high profile target on the SPLC’s website, or to speak to one “journalist” after another only to have them twist some of your words, and outright fabricate others, just to make you look like an ogre.
It is a constant grind on the spirit. It wears at my will even though I know quitting is simply not an option. It is stress and then some.
It takes a toll on health and, yes, happiness. It also wears at my peace of mind. At the end of the day I still have to face a partner who loves me, but who is sometimes afraid when someone knocks on the door. I have run out of dismissive platitudes to appease her. And I have to admit I have taken to making sure I know who is on the other side before opening it.
None of this includes any of the stress of trying to keep up with the actual activism and daily operations and the ever present bills.
All of this as a part of life has a cost. With me, part of that is my patience and my manners. They are both at their most strained when dealing with those who come to AVFM, or to the YouTube Channel, the Forums or other venues we run to let me know that while they aren’t interested in doing anything for the MRHM, they still want to tell me how I ought to be doing my job.
Including tonight, they have been the recipients of more than a few “fuck yous.”
I have just run out of patience for armchair quarterbacks and seagull contributors. For those that don’t know what a seagull contributor is, it is one who flies in, squawks a lot, shits on everything and flies back out.
My ability, indeed my interest in handling them with any care is used up. I am not even interested in making myself a better person by being more tolerant of it.
Still, this brings me to my New Year’s resolution, which I intend to keep. First, and once again, if my gruff exterior (and interior for that matter) have been a source of offense, you do have a genuine if somewhat mechanical apology.
For my New Year’s resolution for 2014, my pledge is this. When it comes to dealing with self-elected but non-functional directors of matters in which they will not share in the work, I pledge to tell you to fuck off with a little more courtesy than I did in 2013. And that is the only promise I can have hope of keeping.
You see, I am, above all else, a realist about myself. Or at least I like to think I am. I know that I have nothing but contempt for seagulls. And I do feel like I came by that contempt honestly. Not being one to feign affection also means I am not going to bother promising that I will even try.
My only request is that for those who are not seagulls, but who really do wish I would show more patience, that they understand that I do not have that patience to give. I just don’t have it, not do I imagine that I am at all alone in this respect. I am not the only activist here, and others have paid prices similar to mine.
For those of you, and there are many, who have had the compassion to forgive me this innate imperfection. I want to thank you, and tell you that I will count on you to carry me though the days ahead, which promise to be rougher than the days that came before it.
The closer we get to our goals, the harder they will come for us, and yes, for me. I want you to know that I will never quit. I do want to ask you to understand that this diligence, in the face of what it takes to follow things through, comes with a price.
Thank you and Happy New Year.
